Tee Hee Ha Ha Hee Hoo I’m a Silly Little Elf That Craves the Endless Expanse of the Primordial Void


Feeling an ever pervading sense of soul-crushing ennui? Afraid? Like a ship with no rudder? Imposter syndrome like a panicked freshman girl pretending to like bud light at the first tailgate she goes to? Well, do I have news for you. If complete dissociation, depersonalization, derealization, and defecation don’t work for you, put your hands up and catch this vibe: capture your inner silly elf and abscond to the fairy forest.

I’m not talking about your typical pansy-ass more basic than a bathwater elf on the shelf. I’m talking about the nut-brained, off the handle, three sheets to the wind absolutely unhinged tiny elf that lives within all of us (except maybe chemical engineers). The tiny elf is the thing inside of you that says “the pen is mightier than the sword, but both can be used during sex.” When you’re feeling down and blue and ready to throw yourself off of the nearest extremely elevated surface, the elf whispers sweet phantasmagoric nothings into your ear telling you instead to be free, or perhaps to frolic, or perhaps to rip off your shirt and grapevine across Central Lawn.

Sprint across lawns. Bring too much alcohol to parties, especially funerals. Shimmy shake dance AND jive. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes — not metaphorically literally just take your roommate’s shoes and see how long it takes for them to notice. Eat peanut butter. Roll around in the grass. Tap dance like a silly sally. Stop drop and roll next time someone says ‘hi’ to you on campus. Take ‘throwback’ photos but instead of posing like your younger self, pose like your beloved dead childhood dog. Lick people’s faces. Invent the ‘sigma’ variant of the Coronavirus just to give virologists a laugh. Meow a little more, and a little louder than before. Astral project to the spirit realm to explore Issac Newton’s body. Eat not just the berries, but also the cream of your labors.

When looking at the chaos, catastrophe, and general chaos of the world, the easy option is to have a panic attack and play GTA 5 in your underwear. I get it, I’ve been there. But why don’t we start listening to the elf? In a world where most opinions are bad opinions, shouldn’t we normalize making decisions not with our hearts or dicks, but with our teussys? (tiny elf pussies). Succumb to the never ending ennui and silence of the void. Come to the forest, let go of earthly desires and connections to drift tetherless and blank in the void. 

  • November 4, 2021