Water Discovered on the Moon, Seaworld Announces New Initiative: “Abusing Animals but in Space”


Recently, NASA made the tremendous discovery of water on the moon. Now, this has a lot of implications for science as a whole. Once forgotten dreams of moon popsicles and hot tubs have now become a reality in our intergalactic journey. Many companies are now trying to make their foray into this abundant new resource. Nestle has already militarized their lawyers to have complete control of this new body of freshwater. Their new bottled water would approximately be $15, but promises “health-building vitamins and oils in each sip, sealed with aura boosting lids.” But in a new development, SeaWorld has announced plans to build another park on the moon.

Richard Phishpea, SeaWorld’s VP of Grey Area Ethics, gave a statement to Fox News this past Monday, “SeaWorld has always been a pioneer in all industries related to water. We are happy to announce that our recent animal abuse allegations will now go beyond the scope of Earth’s atmosphere. We have partnered with Soviet space programs, which have a rich history of sending random animals into space, as a way of bringing our plans to fruition.” 

SeaWorld has continued to make waves in the water park industry. Their recent exhibit “Giant trash heap in the Atlantic” is an archaeological adventure that lets children dig for souvenirs. To let SeaWorld fans get the true aquatic experience, the Critter Cafe offers plastic six-pack rings that you too can choke on for $5.99. 

“Getting the animals into space will be no easy task,” Phishpea continued. “Our engineers are designing launching systems that will allow even our largest animals to experience a galactic journey. The newest prototype is a big trebuchet that can launch the beloved Shamu from Florida all the way to the dark side of the moon. Although the first few whales will likely not survive the journey, we’re hoping a giant pile of whale carcasses on the surface will be enough to cushion the fall of our aquatic pioneers. SeaWorld season pass holders will have an opportunity to watch the visceral launch in person at any of our regional parks. Failed (explosive) launches can reach you in the splash zone, so get ready!”

In response to the future of SeaWorld’s water parks, Phishpea stated, “The recent tragedies of water shortages and inequality, such as Flint, Michigan, have highlighted our need to take advantage of untapped resources and make water appear fun again. Our newest plan is to make a giant water slide that goes from Orlando, Florida to the Moon’s surface. That water will be imported from third world countries to make your season pass nearly $10 cheaper!”

More moon themed attractions are soon to come. Phishpea hinted at a Tsunami wave pool that would mimic the recent natural disasters that have hit the Caribbean. “We’re here for the culture,” exclaimed Phishpea, “and we firmly believe our exhibits shed light (and profits) on the tragedies that have impacted these people. Don’t forget to donate to our water-bad initiative, where 10% of donations go to families impacted by devastating floods.”

  • February 7, 2021