A Confession to the Melodores


Everyone has their weird shit that they like. Unfortunately for me, a big part of my sexual awakening came from thinking that Jesse from Pitch Perfect was the hottest man on this planet, meaning that my weird kink is a cappella. Could it have just been something kind of normal? Or some relatively vanilla Fifty Shades shit like every other white woman in America? No. Of course not. It had to be fucking men’s a cappella because apparently I live in the timeline that God abandoned. 

I heard of the Melodores throughout my freshman year, but for whatever reason I never thought to watch their Youtube videos or go to a performance. Good fucking thing I never had the chance to go to a live performance because I would have been a threat to public safety. The first time I watched a Melodores video it was the “Talk Dirty” performance from a few years ago. About halfway through the video, my friend who was watching it with me looked at me and said, verbatim, “I’ve never seen someone so clearly turned on by a cappella. You are literally dripping over this.” Is that the most disgusting way I’ve ever been described? To my face, yes. But was it accurate? Also yes. I truly wish I was joking.

Watching that video ruined my life. However, watching the more recent “Justin Timberlake Medley” and the “Rock With You” videos and knowing that most of the people in those videos haven’t graduated and are still on this campus completely ruined my life. This is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever admitted on the internet, but I have literally pregamed more than one Tinder hookup by watching one of those videos so that the Tinder date would…go smoothly. I know this is a comedy publication and I’m supposed to be writing jokes but literally none of this is a joke and I am just more sexually attracted to the Melodores than I’ve ever really been to anyone or any other group of singing men. In fact, I probably should’ve just submitted this as an op-ed to The Hustler since every word of this article is purely factual. Hopefully, the incredible level of embarrassment this will inevitably bring me is a good enough joke for everyone reading this. 

I was originally going to write a Melodores fanfiction but I decided against it because the things I would’ve written would’ve been way too graphic to be published on this website. It wouldn’t have even been published because the poor soul responsible for editing it would’ve absolutely called the police on me. What I decided to do instead is to condense my unwritten fanfiction down to its thesis component: it is my goal before I graduate from this school to get violently railed by at least one Melodore. Hopefully more than one, ideally all of them and fuck it, maybe even during the next Meloroo, because what a fucking story that would be. I’m obviously going to publish this anonymously because I’d like to be employed one day and I also don’t want to publicly embarrass myself this hard. But if any of the Melodores, past or present, somehow figure out who I am and you also somehow aren’t horrified by this article then literally hit me up. Or you could email our editor, Madison, since she legally has to take responsibility for everything published on this website (sorry Madison). In conclusion, I honestly don’t even care if I leave this school without a degree, but good luck to anyone who tries to get me to leave this school without getting fucked by a Melodore. 

  • February 1, 2021