The Female Roman Empires: A Boyfriend’s Guide to Women’s Hyperfixations
By O. Blivious
Are you chronically single? Have you never felt the warm embrace of a woman? Well, just like you sorry losers, I used to lay in my bed every night and cry myself to sleep wondering if I’d ever reach the peak of my existence and get a girlfriend. Lucky for you though, I’m in a COMMITTED relationship (yeah, we’re what you call “basically exclusive”) and I want to help all of you poor schmucks that just can’t seem to get a clue. Over these past 23 days of dating, I’ve uncovered a LOT about the female brain, and I want to spread this information so that no one ever has to go through the pain of being single on National Girlfriend’s Day again. Pay attention, because knowing these five topics will guarantee you success on your journey to becoming one of the chosen ones. They just never seem to leave the female brain!
1. Murder Podcasts and Docuseries
This one might sound strange, but women LOVE to spend their free time learning about only the most gruesome serial killers out there. My girlfriend Tracy can’t shut UP about how much she loves Jeffery Dahmer! When just starting out talking to a girl, you NEED to talk about literal killers, this is a guaranteed way of engaging in actual meaningful conversation. The bloodier the story, the better the chances you will have of seeing her again. Even better, talk about what YOU would do if you were tasked with murdering someone and hiding their body. For some reason women find serial killers extremely hot, so the best way to become attractive in their eyes is to emulate them. If Jeffery Dahmer can kill seventeen and still be called sexy, then why can’t you do the same? Women love a guy in tune with his killer tendencies, so don’t forget to add in a lot of detail so they know you’ve thought about this before!
2. Literal Tragedies
Okay I know that I mentioned actual killers before, but this one topic is a must-know if you even want to think about taking a girl out. Women love to discuss all kinds of tragedies. Whether it’s the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire or Gypsy Rose Blanchard’s assassination of her own mother, women can’t function without thinking about the amount of families affected by devastating calamities. One of my go-to disasters is the Chernoybl meltdown. Keep this one in your back pocket, kings, women will always make time to talk about literal genetic abominations. You just know that women eat that shit up! From the political corruption to the aftermath of the intense radioactivity, women can’t stop talking about anything and everything related to this horrible blight on humanity.
3. Taylor Swift
Unless you live under a rock, then you have to know about Taylor Swift. T Swizzle embodies the idea of perfection in every girl’s eyes, and you know that every single girl strives to be perfect. You need to embody the idealized cheer captain-football player couple if you want only the best relationship of your life, just like the “You Belong With Me” music video (yeah I’m a certified Swiftie). Whenever Tracy forgets to take off the crust on my sandwich I’m sure to remind her that Taylor Swift would never do that because she’s perfect! She always begins to cry and runs away, but I know that she took it to heart. I’m only trying to help us be just as perfect as Travis and Taylor!
4. The Sims
As men, we all know we love video games. But, contrary to popular belief, women also love video games. Crazy, I know. One game that I will never hear the end of is The Sims, it’s like the female version of crack. Women will inject that shit into their bloodstream and never let that high go away. If you gift your girl a Sims expansion pack then just know that you’ve made her entire year. Whenever Tracy buys new expansion packs for The Sims, I know that I’ll never see her for the rest of the week, score! One of her favorite things to do in the game is to place these dudes that look exactly like me into an indoor pool with walls around it. She’s always thinking about me, that’s so cute!
5. Her Ex
This one may seem controversial, but trust me guys I’m the one with a caring girlfriend. Apparently women love talking about their exes all the time! Whether you’re on a romantic date or in bed with your S/O, just expect her to bring up that pesky past boyfriend. Jason always comes up, no matter the occasion. My birthday? “Oh, Jason had such a good party for his 23rd.” My grandmother’s funeral? “Jason was so caring for his family.” Sometimes I wonder if she even loves me, she’s so quirky! So take this one to heart fellas, if you’re ever in an argument, always bring up her past ex, that’ll be sure to keep your relationship alive and functioning!