Santa Claus, Naughty Kids to Help Keep Coal Industry Going


After Rick Perry was nominated as Secretary of Energy early in December, many have speculated whether or not President-Elect Trump will keep his promises to assist the coal industry. While many are pushing for the Department of Energy’s to shift their focus to cleaner forms of energy, it appears that the coal industry will be receiving a wonderful gift this Christmas: the support of Santa Claus.

In a statement released this morning, Claus revealed that his use of coal to punish children on the naughty list has been providing significant support to the coal industry for years.

“We’ve been buying huge stocks of coal since the 1950s, enough railcars of coal to fill hundreds of thousands of stockings,” Claus said. “What began as a Christmas wish from a young miner in West Virginia became the way we do business.”

Tolman Jingle, Claus’s Senior Associate Elf, suggested that the choice of coal to punish naughty children was deliberate from the beginning.

“Let me tell you, coal is not the least expensive thing that I could put in children’s stockings,” Jingle said to a Slant reporter. “We could just as easily punish bad kids by giving them nothing. Or moldy carrots. We made an internal agreement long ago to start using coal, and this agreement would just formalize it. It’s the next logical step.”

Inside sources reveal that Perry and Secretary of State nominee Rex Tillerson have agreed to meet with Claus to discuss terms for a revised, long-term contract between the North Pole and coal giants to bolster the industry. Critics have voiced concerns over environmental issues related to the continued proliferation of coal, but Rudolph Dasher, Head Strategic Elf at the North Pole, suggests that the agreement is a viable plan to assist the coal industry and mitigate environmental costs.

“The amount of coal we’ve been giving out yearly has increased at a steady 5% rate since 2000, and we don’t see a decline approaching any time soon,” Dasher said. “Most of this coal isn’t burned anyway, just hoarded by kids.”

This high rate of growth, adjusted for inflation, would be able to support the coal industry for another seventy-five years even with declining birth rates. As of press time, sources declined to comment as to whether or not Trump’s cabinet would receive coal in their stockings.  

  • December 24, 2016