Why It’s Not a Red Flag That I Thought Fetterman was Campaigning Against the Wizard of Oz

Photo courtesy of Tom Wolf

My name is Khan Trovershall, and I don’t really follow politics. Here’s the thing—I just don’t like to get involved in such divisive topics because at the end of the day, everyone’s upset and no one wants to listen to the new Kanye album. Politics is the reason that during Christmas dinner 2020, my aunt launched a stale biscuit at her half-brother’s head for saying “Trump lost the election.” He was knocked unconscious and I had to drive him to the hospital. My sister constantly cries about the war between Russia and Ukraine, which is strange because I haven’t seen any TikToks about it since May, so I thought the war was over? Anyway, I know that many people will be outraged at my political apathy. Conservatives get upset that I won’t take a stand against the radical left, and liberals get upset that I won’t take a stand against the radical right. Take a chill pill everyone: I’m just not really affected by politics. Don’t come for me if I’m not walking around with an agenda all the time.

Some people have gone so far as to call it a “red flag” when someone doesn’t follow politics. I overheard some girls talking about it in the Starbucks line last week. One girl actually had a list in her Notes app for “red flags” and said that “not following politics” was number two. Number one on her list happened to be “guys who need psychedelics to feel empathy,” but I didn’t think that one applies to me. I took shrooms for my birthday this year and still really didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. I was just reeeeally in tune with nature, and my spirituality, you know?

Anyway, I think the real red flag is how crazy some people get about politics. Last summer, I was taking this girl hiking on our first date, and as we were driving to the trail, she saw a really old Trump/Pence 2020 sign in someone’s yard. She said it was crazy how obsessed people were with “that Cheeto of a man” and asked who I voted for in the last election. I told her the truth, that I don’t really care about politics, they don’t even give you a lollipop after voting like they do at the pediatrician’s. Then she unlocked the car door and barrel rolled out onto the highway while we were going 70 miles an hour. I just kept driving because, sheesh, some people spend a little too much time thinking about the government. 

In today’s age though, it seems so difficult to avoid all the talk about politics. Content about the election is popping up on my FYP, despite me blocking every creator who has ever posted anything political. I’m going to work even harder to keep politics out of my life though, because when I did finally try to get involved in political discussion, all it got me was trouble. We had an impromptu discussion about the election in my ECON1101 class yesterday. Some TikTok a few days ago mentioned the Pennsylvania race, so, making sure I got my participation points for the day, I piped up and asked, “What were the results of the Pennsylvania race? Was it Fetterman or the Wizard of Oz who won?” Everyone went silent. Just a moment ago, they were all heartily discussing the “implications for the unclear Senate majority” and the “repercussions of the insufficient midterm turnout.” I looked over to my professor for validation, and he asked solemnly, “Khan, could you repeat that for us?” I was a little confused, because what could have been clearer than what I said? But I obliged: “Did the Wizard of Oz win the election in Pennsylvania?” My pal Arnie Hamster leaned over, put his hand on my shoulder, and whispered, “Khan, what do you mean, ‘the Wizard of Oz’?” I clarified for everyone, “You know, the guy at the end of the movie who gives the scarecrow a brain, the tinman a heart and the lion courage? I always thought he would make a stand-up politician.”

The conversation quickly switched topics to the sexual tension between Walker and Warnock in the Georgia Senate runoff, so I was pretty peeved when my question never got answered. It was only after class that Arnie Hamster took me aside and said, “Khan, the Wizard of Oz isn’t real. I know that was your strongest delusion when you took those shrooms, but he can’t hurt you. The man running against Fetterman in Pennsylvania was Dr. Oz, not the Wizard of Oz, and Dr. Oz CAN actually hurt you, so it’s a good thing he lost.” So for all those bitches out there calling me a “walking red flag,” why don’t you take some time to get to know the REAL me, the me who is tormented by dreams of the man behind the emerald curtain, his booming voice, his troubling eyebrows. Some people just aren’t sensitive these days.

  • November 14, 2022