10 Wins is Not Enough

By Maret Rudin-Aulenbach 

As a senior Dore, I am proud of what my school’s football team has achieved. Our first 10 win season, a domination of Tennessee (I think they’re into that?!), and a shot at the college football playoffs. It’s all we’ve ever wanted as sudden bandwagon fans of a historically terrible football school. So why do I feel like something is missing? 

I scoured deep through the ruins of Branscomb and under Clark Lea’s bed in search of the truth, and in doing so I found a revelation upon which I built an understanding: We need Lane Kiffin. 

Lane Kiffin coached an 11 win team. Lane Kiffin’s team has a spot in the college football playoffs. Lane Kiffin trolls fans and reports alike on Twitter, something Clark Lea has failed to do. Lane Kiffin breaks hearts like a first-year sorority girl, and my heart is ready to be broken. 

Doubters will say that he just committed to LSU, but it’s exactly that: just a commitment. A weaker commitment than he gave Ole Miss, and observe how he left them. If LSU can spend nearly 15% of their endowment on Lane Kiffin, neglecting academic priorities and institutional repairs for the hope of a decent football program, I believe Vanderbilt can spend 1% of its endowment to steal the sexy Lane Kiffin from the Louisiana governor’s flailing hands.  

I call upon our boosters, alumni, Theo Von, Sketch, Chancellor Diermeier, and all bandwagon fans: let’s make Lane Kiffin the new Commodore Offensive Coordinator.