With top-ranked financial aid, and America’s Slap-Happiest Students™, Vanderbilt is no slouch when it comes to record-breaking. Here are some of the most impressive records held by our university and its students:
Longest Continuous Cry in Front of Esteemed Research Professor
2 hours and 13 minutes, just long enough to take up all of Stephen Buckles’ office hours, and then a bit more.
Most Rocks Up Ass
Confused on how to do the Geology pre-lab, freshman Dennis Goldfarb shoved 6 ¾ rocks up his butt, earning him this record and the first bid from the last class of AEPi.
Fastest Expulsion of a SatCo Taco from Mouth
.08 seconds; this record was set by a junior reading the news of next year’s off-campus housing policy.
Most People Pretending to be Deaf
When you’re walking down Rand Wall and you’ve got 18 people asking you to sign their petition to save the Eastern Collared Lizards, you learn how to just keep on walking.
Least Cocaine on a College Campus (under review)
According to Branscomb RA Leslie Ralston, Vanderbilt has no cocaine whatsoever; VUPD has declined to comment on the matter.
Least Humble Pre-Med in America
Roy Finkler will graduate with a 4.0 in MHS (just letting you know in case you missed the first eight times he said that). Oh, and did you hear about his summer research??
Most Overhyped Squirrel Population
No numerical proof needed, just please shut up about the squirrels, people. I see like, four squirrels a week, and they’re probably the same one.
Least Christian Person in a Southern State
“Literally all of you. Heathens.” – BYX brother who adjudicates world records on the side (and practices satanism too)
Most Overpaid College President
You heard it here first, folks. Our boy Nicky Z. has a salary comparable to the GDP of the island country of Tuvalu. Cash cow on the outside, and baller at heart. You go, Nicky Z.