A Comprehensive Guide of Places to Cry Near Campus for HOD Majors Who Just Failed Their First Baby Bio Exam


For those of you who feel like the Peabody core requirements are “just as intense as AXLE” and couldn’t study for BCSI 1100 because you are SO close to landing that McKinsey gig, this is for you. 

  1. The gender neutral bathroom in Elliston by the mail room 

Literally no one knows this is a thing. When people get past the initial Elliston carpet smell and see the four crushed Natty Lites by the elevator the last thing on their minds is the pursuit of a bathroom with dog themed wallpaper. The only person who you would risk running into there is one of the two residents who are not Vanderbilt students. So walk past the gym with one working treadmill and three 20-year-olds in Gymshark tank tops and stake your claim on that precariously placed bathroom. Call your dad. Get that tutor. 

  1. Directly into the funnel at the rec! 

No one can hear you sobbing over the deafening sounds of saliva filled tubes hitting the plastic tables! Plus, the school could interpret the tears found in the vile as a tribute to Vault (may she rest in peace). Bonus: holding the vile will make you feel like you did something right in STEM.

  1. Roma Pizza at 2 P.M.

This hallowed pizza place is an absolute ghostland pre-11 p.m. All you will be met with is two kids on iPads and one man desperately trying to get your Commodore Card to work. Cry it out. Then eat some disappointing pizza and cry some more. Bio is temporary, daytime crying snaps are forever. 

  1. Waiting for the bus on 21st

You’ll have enough time to go through all five stages of grief and still be able to look on Zillow for the first penthouse in Murray Hill you’ll be able to afford after your first year at Goldman. Bonus: if there’s a delay you can also start a name list for the golden retriever that you’ll bring with you while you summer in the Hamptons. 

  1. Walking through Centennial at midnight

You’ll be too worried about getting kidnapped to even think about your exam! Win!

  • April 28, 2021