The Vanderbilt Biological Sciences Department recently announced that one of their students, junior Gimli Turner, has cured cancer. Doctors around the world are applauding Turner’s tireless efforts toward curing this enigmatic, tenacious disease—a true medical miracle. His roommate, Dory Wimmer Jr., says the idea simply happened upon Turner one night...
Campus
Ever since he filled the pool in his fourth house’s backyard with crude oil because he “liked the way it feels on [his] tummy,” Chancellor Diermeier has been in deep shit regarding sustainability. Things got especially heated for the self-proclaimed German Germ when he refused to apologize for the incident....
Gully Hender, a known masochist Commodore majoring in neuroscience on a premed track, had been up studying for three consecutives nights in preparation for his biochemistry exam. In order to stay focused, he drank a total of nine Bang Energys and took 100 milligrams of unprescribed Adderall. With shaking hands,...
By Bryce Hanson and Josh Linett I’m a simple man. Give me the finest room in Rothschild, unlimited Rand cookies, the workload of an HOD major with the prestige of biomedical engineering, a villa on the white-sand beaches of Radnor Lake, a scooter made by Ferrari that I stole from...
UCC ~after dark~ Are you looking to take your therapy appointments to the next level? Have you felt that maybe if you and your UCC provider just sat down and had a drink that they’d say all that crying was justified? Well, the UCC after dark gives students the opportunity...