In a small suburb in Connecticut, Dom Asbriks has just finished watching a Trump rally with tears in his eyes. He proceeds to click on a Hillary rally, his cheeks flushed with excitement. Dom’s home is cluttered with signs from both sides littering every countertop. Upon entering, he winked at a 10 ft poster of what we at The Slant believe to be some sort of moldy orange. He subsequently blew a kiss to a statue of an aggressively poised pantsuit statue.
“My passion for both candidates bursts from my chest like rainbows on a drizzly day,” he said. “I love them both so much that I wish I could vote for both! Election day will be a bittersweet for sure because BOTH can’t win.”
Hopping to a whiteboard, he showed us a pros and cons list he drafted of each candidate. Exclusive coverage of this pros and cons board is brought to you by The Slant:
Donald Trump:
Pros:
The best hair
Will Make America Great again
Thinks jobs are good
No one is more respectful to women than he is
Knows more than the generals about ISIS
Will carry us on his broad shoulders
If he can get out of three marriages, he can get out of trade deals
Could pull off a Mohawk
Like Kim Jong Un, has no butthole, converts all food into energy
Cons:
Sex Appeal
Hillary Clinton:
Pros:
Seems to have done similar things before
Has plan
Has granddaughter (this seems important)
Pantsuits on fleek
Appeals to millennials
Reminds me of Aunt Sally except less bald, less racist, and slightly less dead
Pretty much figured out that newfangled electronic mail
Laughs are less creepy than tickle me Elmo
Seems like someone who color-codes sh*t
Cons:
Sex Appeal
A friend of the family spoke to us about Dom’s passion. “Honestly, most of us are confused. Dom reminds me of the illegitimate spawn of a water dog with a fire cat.”
Dom was brutally mocked at work one day for wearing a Donald Trump shirt. The next day he wore a “Feminists for Hillary Shirt” and everyone calmed down. The following day he wore two “Nasty woman” buttons, but one was ironic and the other was not. Then he wore a “Trump that B**ch” hat, a “Love Trumps Hate” shirt, “Dump Trump” underpants, and “Lock Her Up” pajamas. A “Stronger Together” double nipple ring was the final touch.
“It’s just so hard to choose the greater of two greats,” said Dom. A stellar businessman with no flaws, versus a capable gritty woman with no scandals. How did we get so lucky?” Unfortunately his enthusiasm isn’t shared by his family. His wife and children moved out last week due to perpetual vomiting that some speculate is related to his political impasse. At least one person will be happy on November 8th.
