Modern Day Galileo: Why Commons Sugar Cookies Are Better Than Rand Cookies


By Jeff Malarky

Rand cookies are often considered the pièce de rèsistance of lunch. For many, there is no lunch without a warm, gooey, Rand cookie to accompany it. And yet these people live in the dark. They are like Newton before inventing gravity: floating aimlessly without purpose, waiting for something to ground them.

I’ve presented my ideas to my so-called friends, and suddenly I’m being zip tied and left for dead in a supply room in Stevenson. So let me outline my reasons in the only publication radical enough to print my ideas. 

  1. Scarcity. Commons doesn’t have their sugar cookies everyday. They make you wait. Rand, on the other hand, loads the market with their mid cookies. Ever taken an econ class, idiot? It’s basic supply and demand. Do I need to graph it out for you? Scarcity increases value. But for those of you unable to handle the rigors of Econ 1010, I’ll put it in simpler terms: not having it every day makes it more special. Remember the first time you went home for fall break? How excited were you to sleep in your old bed and enjoy a home cooked meal? I’m sure it was a great first hour back home, and maybe you even cured your imposter syndrome with the supposed intellectual superiority you experienced upon talking to your hometown friends. That feeling didn’t last long though. Sister screaming at you, mom yelling at you to take out the trash, dad notably absent from the dinner table and pensive when you try to converse. By the time the break was over, you were ready to go back. The break from campus made it feel so much better to return. It’s the same thing with the sugar cookies. Not having them makes you realize just how important they really are.
  1. Size. People like to point out that the Rand cookies are much larger than the Commons sugar cookies. I didn’t realize you were a misandrist, propagating the idea that size is all that matters? You sound like my ex and quite frankly it’s disgusting. 
  1. Warmth. People seem to crave the warmth that the Rand cookies offer. Did your mother never hug you as a child? Ridiculous. Get it together. Get validation from posting on YikYak and seeking the approval of strangers like the rest of us. 
  1. Quantity. How many Rand cookies can you get with a meal swipe? One. How many sugar cookies? As many as your heart desires. Pretend that paragraph where I talked about too much of a good thing doesn’t exist. I’m just a freshman and my high school English teachers never taught me how to structure an essay. But anyway, wouldn’t you rather get five sugar cookies at one meal, as opposed to one Rand cookie? Let me ask you a question: Wouldn’t it be so much better to have five people fawning over you, compared to the one (or let’s be honest, none) that you’re working with now? Five suitors hanging onto your every word like you aren’t just wasting precious oxygen with every syllable uttered. Feeding your ego with the bullshit compliments that they tell every other person they talk to. Coyly asking for your snapchat because they already forgot your name. Five people doing all of this and more? That’s a lot better than just one.

Did I change your mind? I thought so. But if you don’t agree with me, that’s alright. I can’t force you to be right. 

  • January 10, 2023