Why You Didn’t Need a Res College Single Anyway


By: Slant Staff

So, just like me, you applied to the singles housing process. If you were part of the sliver of lucky bastards who got a res college single, don’t let it get to your head. Diermeier still isn’t going to invite you to his circle jerks, champ. If you didn’t get a res college single, my sincerest apologies. I can only imagine the hell you will face in the fiery pit that is Cole. Or the shithole that is Tolman. Or the pot of shit at the end of the rainbow that is McGill. Or maybe you’re one of the pitiful fools that got a McTyeire single. I helped a friend move into that building last year and I shit you not, the walls were slimy (I helped them wipe it off, as any good friend would). I know people talk about McTyeire having a very close-knit community, but orgies in French should never happen in August in a vacant room right before someone moves in. That’s taking things one step too far. At least wait until October. Or do it in Russian. But enough shitting on the places your sorry ass will be living in next year. It’s time we make the best of a slippery situation (and no, I’m not talking about the walls).

For us sophomores, the housing selection process was like Cinderella, but instead of midnight, shit fell apart after 5:00 PM, and instead of ruined ball gowns, we got tiny singles with leaky communal bathroom faucets and weird-tasting water. OHARE may have even sent you an offer for a double after the whole thing went down, just to rub it in. If you accepted, hopefully it wasn’t Branscomb. If you didn’t, I commend you for putting your needs first. Your lightly used personal masturbation chamber may be tiny, damp, and lacking a thermostat, but at least it’s yours. Besides, temperature play is overrated anyway.

Now that I think about it, maybe that stubborn slime on my friend’s wall wasn’t just orgy residue. I distinctly remember seeing it more than once, and that friend wasn’t having any orgies (that I was aware of, at least). Thus, the only logical conclusion is that every single outside of the res colleges has its own resident slime monster. The little beasts must adore those pathetically tiny closets. And the leaky faucets I mentioned earlier are a great water source, packed with iron and zinc and all the minerals those little guys could ever want. I didn’t take BSCI 1510 for nothing. It’s the perfect environment.

Maybe having a pet/roommate/tiny terror isn’t such a bad thing. Strength in numbers, or something like that. Or was it something about misery and company? Hell, you can install Alexa and test out all your dirty talk on her and your little Cthulhu spawn of a roommate before you have people over for some Lovecraftian fornication. It’s the ideal setup.

  • April 13, 2022