STAFF EDITORIAL: Don’t Abolish Towers. Let Us Reform It.


By Miles Borowsky and Justine Del Monte

In 2019, Vanderbilt shocked students and faculty with the announcement of a plan to abolish Carmichael Towers. This was met with immediate support by many who believed that the social climate had progressed past the need for such an institution. 

One of the biggest problems with Towers, as identified in a July 32 Hustler guest editorial, is the “superiority complex that exists in certain buildings that ranks different ‘living situations’ as ‘superior’ or ‘inferior.’” 

However, as former towers residents and allies of the Towers community, we feel that the current residents of Towers are clearly and aptly suited to reform the building, and thus the university should not abolish it. Sure, 49 students were hospitalized last year due to a mysterious radioactive tar that was somehow crucial to the structural integrity of the walls, but man, if Towers goes, what else would we put in our Instagram bios? 

If Towers is abolished, who will buy the Vineyard Vines polos from the bookstore? Who will buy all the neon bob wigs from Party City? Where will they go? Huh? Did you think about that? 

Towers is an essential part of the everyday experiences of all Vanderbilt students and the greater Nashville community, and not just because it’s an eyesore for all of West End. Below, we’ve outlined five key reasons why Towers deserves to stay. 

Community Building

Upon moving into Towers, residents complete a two week initiation process to “bring the floor community closer together.” 

“At first, I felt uncomfortable being forced to piss in the elevator while maintaining eye contact with my RA,” said resident Brad Johnson. “But being shoved down the trash chute every night with other members of my floor was a bonding experience that I’ll never forget. Without Towers, I won’t get my chance to bitch around first-years!” 

Another first-year resident commented, “Once I saw that I was assigned to Towers, I was extremely anxious to move to campus. However, deciding to Go Towers was the best decision of my life. I mean, where else on campus could I find a literal mountain of shit in the toilet?”

Diversity and Inclusion

Residents have demonstrated exceptional commitment to instituting real productive change in Towers. This includes forming a “Committee Where We Talk About Issues and How We Can Make it Seem Like We’re Qualified to Fix Them,” and a “Task Force to Do Something, I Guess.” 

Additionally, Towers prides itself on its diversity and inclusion initiatives. How can people be racist if everyone lives in a single and no one talks to each other? 

Generational Networking and Connections

As one of the older dorms on campus, Carmichael Towers offers a look into the rich history of the university. It is that estimated 36 percent of all Towers legacies were actually conceived in Tower Three, with 31 percent of their middle names being “Carmichael” and two percent being “Towers.” “I can’t wait to pass on the tradition to my children!” first-year Julia Elevator-Double Smith said. 

Because Towers alumni are 420 percent more likely to donate to the university, we reached out to an alum to hear his thoughts. “Back in my day, people came to Vanderbilt for Towers,” said alum Michael Carr. “If I hadn’t served as Junior Vice Secretary of the Bulletin Board Committee, how would my resume have been noticed by McKinsey? God forbid my starting salary be only five digits.”

Environmental Service

Towers is an integral part of Vanderbilt’s commitment to active citizenship and service. These unprecedented times resulted in an inflated acceptance rate of incoming students, pushing Vanderbilt’s capacity to feed and house the entire student population even further beyond its limit than it once was. 

Due to that mysterious tar problem, Towers might be the perfect solution to getting numbers back down. With Towers reducing the student population by such a large degree, charitable organizations like VUDM will no longer be overrun with interest, and the HOD program will never again exceed its maximum capacity

Additionally, Carmichael Towers is a self-sustaining ecosystem. None of the “cleaning staff” have to empty the recycling bins in front, as the building exudes enough mold to allow materials to decompose on their own. Other eco-friendly initiatives include an intuitive fresh water supply where runoff from drunk people pissing outside Papa John’s fuels the shower water (unfiltered of course) and a t-shirt-cannon-inspired sewage system where shit is actually just shot out the seventh floor of the building onto unsuspecting people on the sidewalk. 

Fear of Change

At the end of the day, we just don’t want to.

  • September 30, 2020