After watching the trash presidential debate hosted by The #fakenews Hustler, The Slant decided out of concern for the Vanderbilt community to ask the hard hitting questions that students want to know. Below you’ll find a full portrait of candidates you didn’t even know existed until they requested to follow you on Instagram. Base your votes accordingly.
(Editors Note: While we are a humor and satire publication, these are actual responses from the candidates themselves. We did not make these up. If we had, they would probably be funnier.)
1. Would you rather eat a cooked old man or a raw baby?
Jared and Jacob: It depends on the method of preparation of the raw baby. If we’re talking a roll from Nama, we’d obviously pick the old man — Nama is hardly quality sushi and we’d rather spend our meal money elsewhere. But if we’re talking Poke Bros, that’s a different story — some brown rice, some edamame, half raw baby, half marinated salmon, extra seaweed salad and ponzu sauce and we’ve got us a quick and nutritious dinner.
Veer and Shun: I’m vegan.
2. You’re not my father or God, so who are you to tell me what to do?
Jared and Jacob: Are you sure we’re not God? Have you ever seen us and God in the same room? Besides, we’re more like your uncle — you know he exists even though you don’t see much of him, and you do NOT want to bring up politics at Thanksgiving when he’s had a few beers.
Veer and Shun: Your elected representatives (pause for dry laughter).
3. How would you defend hazing?
Jared and Jacob: We’re thinking a man-to-man full court press, although box-and-one might cut it depending on their fundamentals.
Veer and Shun: The way The Hustler did.
4. On a scale of 1-10, why is The Slant better than The Hustler?
Jared and Jacob: Whichever newspaper the guy who gave Vandy coronavirus doesn’t work for is the better one. But to be honest, we only ever read the articles about ourselves.
Veer and Shun: I love all of my children differently.
5. What’s the shittiest part of your platform?
Jared and Jacob: It’s definitely NOT free laundry, considering how VSG loved it so much they made it happen right away.
Veer and Shun: How many typos Veer has made being equivalent to the number of times Shun has misspelled the word TEAM.
6. What piece of blackmail on you would guarantee that the other side wins?
Jared and Jacob: Jake Rome was born in a foreign country — we won’t say which one — and is thus constitutionally ineligible to be Vice President. Jared wears a toupee. Also, contrary to common belief, we are NOT a gay couple.
Veer and Shun: One of us has been arrested, guess who? Winner gets the vice-presidency.
7. FMK: Diermeier, Wente, Zeppos.
Jared and Jacob: K: Wente — she’s been through a lot and deserves a break. F: Diermeier — say what you will about his Palpatine resemblance, checkered resume, and unsatisfactory ethnicity, he’s gonna be in charge and that’s sexy. M: Zeppos — how could you not? Plus, since we’re Jewish, a white tent is already part of our wedding ritual.
Veer and Shun: Fuck Zeppos (ahaha Zaddy), Marry Wente, Kill Emperor Palpatine (Yes, this candidacy was Shun’s plot to become Chancellor all along Merry Chirstmas).
8. Vanderbilt needs to delete their Instagram (not a question, just a statement).
Jared and Jacob: So do we.
Veer and Shun: As long as it’s before Shun gets tokenized, we wholeheartedly agree.
9. Does the bat that caused coronavirus deserve rights?
Jared and Jacob: As pescatarians, we believe that all animals deserve rights, except fish (duh). And as Presbyterians, we believe that God preordains who will receive salvation and who will not. So we ask: is the bat a fish? We think not. And is the bat a member of the Lord’s elect? It’s entirely possible. The bat deserves rights for these reasons.
Veer and Shun: If humanity gets rights after all the shit we’ve done, then so does the bat.
10. Where’d I lose my room key? Why do my dog’s ears always smell like cheese? What do I tell the wee man who lives in my dream when he asks me to pay the daily shell toll and I’m plum out of shells? Is it Chief Keef because he chiefs a lot of keef or because he is the chief of keef? Can you be my dad? Who is the real Judge Judy? Is there anything Harry Styles can’t do? This is one question. Please respond in 150 characters or less.
Jared and Jacob: Where did we get this room key? Was that dog ear and not cheese we ate? How did Jake get in your dream? These are bad answers. Sad! #baumanrome2020
Veer and Shun: We can be your Harry Styles, Judge Judy, your dad, Chief Keef, very confused, your room key, the wee man, and YOUR next President and Vice President.
And there you have it. As you can see, The Slant does not shy away from asking the hard questions. But please don’t ask us to endorse a candidate. We stopped doing that after our editor decided to back Lee Harvey Oswald in 1963.
Happy voting, Dores.