Freshman Male Cites “Nice Personality” As Only Reason He Finished Second to Last In Pursuit of Female


NASHVILLE – TN, Local “Nice Guy”, has revealed that after years of not being able to secure a date with female colleague, he finally convinced Mary take him up on an offer for dinner at the Pub. (“Nice Guy” will be referred to as John after he confided to Slant anonymously.) As of press time, Mary has decided to not pursue further romantic relations with John and opted for his dashing roommate, Jeff. John refused to comment to The Slant on why he finished in second place to Jeff.

Emphatically insisting that he finished second to last and not dead last in the pursuit of a date, John has revealed that the main reason as to why his female colleagues fail to appreciate his self proclaimed “sexual prowess” and “dank good looks” stem from his failure to act like a “misogynistic bad boy.” After consulting with his squad, squad executive member Charles stated that John then learned that “he should probably start to shower regularly to decrease his odor, or self-described ‘personal scent.’” Despite his various shortcomings, John maintains that the only reason that he was unable to secure dates was due to his nice and gentlemanly personality.

Upon a second meeting with his squad, John has since decided that he should actually express interest with colleagues to show interest, rather than “resorting to his previous method of hoping that they would somehow ‘get the hint’ despite himself not actually dropping any.” After John told Mary, his first “target”, (John’s squad member Mark has since stated that “‘target’ was not the most appropriate word choice for that situation”), that he wants to be “more than friends,” he secured his date. John and his squad have set up a third meeting in preparation for his upcoming date with a new colleague, Sandra. (John has vowed not to make the same mistakes that he did with Mary in his new “conquest”.) All who are interested in aiding John in his aid to success can come to the Commons MPR at 4:20 pm. This event will count for GME credit.


  • September 26, 2016