New Species, Tedidae Cruzae, Discovered in Washington

Don’t feed the Tedidae Cruzae.

A team of researchers in Washington, D.C. has discovered the Tedidae cruzae, or Ted Cruz. Researchers still aren’t sure how the Ted Cruz should be categorized, since the animal has both reptile and mammal attributes.

Scientists are still unsure of how the Ted Cruz managed to avoid detection, but the animal’s foray into presidential campaigning helped with its discovery. The creature’s natural ability to change appearances and hide itself may eventually have scientific and military applications.

Sir David Attenborough was on the scene, as BBC is attempting to create a new series on wildlife found in urban areas. He is directly quoted as saying, “This critter used to be found slinking through the corridors of Congress, occasionally making mating calls on the floor of the Senate. Now the Ted Cruz can be found wandering through the country trying to find others like it. Through its mastery of deception and camouflage, the Ted Cruz has been able to find some of like mind.”

Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has said, upon the discovery of the beast, that it “is a nuisance and should be eradicated.” Minority Leader Harry Reid has advocated for the creature to be captured and researched.

Additionally, although the animal has been unsuccessful at finding another of its kind, it has still managed to procreate. However, the researchers who discovered the Ted Cruz think the offspring are unaware that they are being raised by a separate species.

The Surgeon General has been quoted as saying, “When it thinks people are trying to take its guns, it shoots out ink and makes its escape. The public should take great care around the Ted Cruz, as we believe it to be dangerous to the people of the United States.”