Can’t Find a Superspreader Event? Try the Nearest Premed’s Apartment
DISCLAIMER: Advertising helps us keep our lights on and keeps The Slant free for all of our readers. That being said, this post has been sponsored by SARS-CoV-2; find tips on how to contract it below!
Is the pandemic getting you down? Do you miss being in absolutely packed rooms without a mask? Are you tired of pretending to care about the people in your community? Well, there’s a way to get your social life back, even in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic! Look no further than Suprsprdr, a new app that directs you straight to the closest premed’s apartment where a Gatsby-esque rager every Thursday through Saturday night is almost guaranteed. Informally dubbed, “Broadway if everyone was even less attractive and more depressed,” premeds’ apartments have been the backbones of Vanderbilt’s thriving social scene and Covid dashboard since March 2020. In fact, according to our data, premeds are the number two ranked group on campus when it comes to causing Covid scares; this way, you can party while still being perceived as woke!
Now you might catch yourself thinking, “We’re still in the middle of a global health catastrophe—how do I morally justify attending one of these parties?” It’s easy: just ask one of your hosts! In an expert move, they’ll use their vague, half-correct grasp of biological and medical concepts to simply rationalize your fears away. Endangering your peers by attending a large gathering? No, you’re just taking care of your mental health by fulfilling your biological need to share your sweat with strangers. Worried about catching Covid yourself? Don’t be, everyone’s been super safe around all 28 members of their family unit. They’ve even limited themselves to making out with one stranger from Tinder per week, and if that doesn’t soothe your anxieties, we don’t know what will! We get tested biweekly anyway and according to the 13 percent of BSCI 1511 that they remember, it’s biologically impossible to transmit the virus if you get tested.
Still have doubts? Don’t just take our word for it: satisfied Suprsprdr customers can be found in the background of the HPAO’s weekly virtual shadowing meetings taking jello shots with their roommates, roommates’ significant others and their roommates’ significant others’ dogs’ friends’ cousins. Don’t worry though, they had their mask on—or at least they did until it slipped below their nose and mysteriously ended up on the table next to their keys. If unavailable, you can also find Suprsprdr customers in quarantine and isolation housing or desperately begging their friends not to list them as close contacts during contact tracing interviews. The full pre-pandemic social experience can be yours for only the low, low price of an Instagram story thanking healthcare heroes posted in the bathroom of an off-campus banger, so why wait? Download Suprsprdr and start violating CDC guidelines with the “health experts” of the future today!*
*Suprsprdr is not liable for any life insurance policies, potential medical costs or funeral arrangements that may be incurred as a result of its use. That sounds like a personal problem.