By Turd Ferguson Just weeks after performing the world’s first dual heart-lung transplant on a patient with COVID-19, the Vanderbilt University Medical Center continues to break new ground in the surgical field. In a press conference, VUMC announced that it had successfully performed the world’s first really, really fat ass transplant. Although fat ass transplants have been … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt University Medical Center Performs World’s First Really, Really Fat Ass Transplant
Following the success of the groundbreaking novel Kissing the Coronavirus, an erotic tale that personified Covid as a sexy beast of a man, authors worldwide are rushing to jump on a new literary wave. Publishing companies now compare viral fiction to the late 2000s-early 2010s boom in young adult dystopian literature. Although one may appear to be an offshoot of the other, the … [Read more...] about What’s Next for Pandemic Erotica?
Vanderbilt University’s research labs have discovered a vaccine for the novel coronavirus strand, potentially signaling the end of the pandemic in America. News media began singing Vanderbilt’s praise and bipartisan support rose, with Mitch McConnell close to passing a “Let’s Not be so Awful Because of Vanderbilt” bill through Congress. Nationwide celebrations commenced and … [Read more...] about Breaking News: Vandy Discovers Vaccine, Won’t Release It Till Rest of SEC Says “Uncle”
By now, we’ve all heard that we’ll be returning to campus this fall, but with social distancing restrictions out the wazoo. Perhaps you lost your shit when you learned that you’ll have to schedule your meals a day in advance with only a 15-minute timeframe to pick up dinner, or maybe you contemplated transferring when you learned that we’ll be having classes on evenings AND … [Read more...] about Fall 2020 Restrictions Vanderbilt Hasn’t Released Yet
The recent campus eviction has left many Vanderbilt students confused. However, the administration is now “asking” students to return to Vanderbilt, as the coronavirus is feeling rather lonely on campus. Its only friends remain at the Wesley apartments where it resides often. Mr. COVID-19 described his March visit as friendly and welcoming. “I’ve never felt so included. A … [Read more...] about Vanderbilt to Require Students to Return to Campus because Coronavirus Feels “Lonely”