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The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

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In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students

October 5, 2021 by Elaine Li

BREAKING: Vanderbilt officials have just reported their administration’s bold new step in reducing the reported number of COVID cases. In what many would call a drastic change, Vanderbilt is planning to eliminate the student body. “98% of the rise in COVID cases in recent months has been attributed to the undergraduate students. The logical next step in lessening the … [Read more...] about In Attempts to Reduce Number of COVID Cases, Vanderbilt Eliminates Students

Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal

April 2, 2021 by Slant Staff

By Turd Ferguson PORT SAID, EGYPT – On March 23rd, the Ever Given ran aground in the Suez Canal, completely blocking one of the world’s most vital trade routes and setting back some supply chains as much as nine months. Critics have placed blame on officials in both the International Trade Administration and the Suez Canal Authority for the unprecedented catastrophe, but … [Read more...] about Make-a-Wish President Fired After Allowing 8-Year-Old Leukemia Patient to Steer Cargo Liner Through Suez Canal

Jeff Bezos to Step Down in Order to Pursue New Role as Boiled Egg

March 25, 2021 by Kyle Kowalski: Content Editor

Former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has announced his retirement from the billion-dollar tech company. To the dismay of many Robinhood users, Amazon’s stock did not fluctuate by more than five percent, causing many call options to expire and leaving traders with an empty 401K. Bezos’ retirement comes as a shock to many. With a successful year of stomping out that local elderly … [Read more...] about Jeff Bezos to Step Down in Order to Pursue New Role as Boiled Egg

WandaVision Cancelled Following Episode Where Wanda Attends CPAC

March 22, 2021 by Taylor Lomax

Uh oh! Everyone’s favorite Disney+ show (you guys actually watch this?) is in hot water following a controversial recent episode.  A shocking plotline sees Wanda, played by Mary-Kate and Ashley’s more relevant sister Elizabeth, take a trip to scenic Orlando with some neighborhood friends to attend the Conservative Political Action Conference, colloquially known as CPAC. … [Read more...] about WandaVision Cancelled Following Episode Where Wanda Attends CPAC

More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment

February 16, 2021 by James Blair

In a measure widely decried by Commons first-years as “not the move,” the Vanderbilt administration shifted to twice-weekly testing for the spring semester. This change in policy comes as Covid-19 ravages the country and, more importantly, Los Angeles, where half of Vanderbilt students are actually from. As always, Slant news is on the case while Hustler news picks its nose … [Read more...] about More Spit Needed to Power Dean Bandas’ Glorious Student Cloning Experiment

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A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

By Estelle Shaya
Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

By Sam Sliman
Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

By Jack Hollier
Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

By Damian Ho
Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

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EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be enti Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be entitled to one free meal swipe

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