According to Secretary of Homeland Security Kirstjen Nielsen, recent tightening of border security is a result of “those darn Mexican banditos taking over.” “I mean, have you ever seen a single Western movie? You know how those banditos are,” a Border Patrol spokesman said. “By the time you see their sombreros, they’ll threaten you with their Colt revolvers and take your … [Read more...] about Officials tighten border security over fears of Mexican banditos, Zorro, chupacabras
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Three Trampled in Cyber Monday Stampede
Ogallala, Nebraska: In what the Ogallala Police Department called the worst crime scene ever witnessed, three were killed early Monday morning as Nebraskans everywhere rushed to get the best Cyber Monday deals. People were lined up hours before stores opened, hoping to catch a steal-o'-deal on a Blu-ray DVD Player. Many, however, reported not having gotten enough blood on … [Read more...] about Three Trampled in Cyber Monday Stampede
Holy Moly, I just robbed my way into 90 dollars
I may be a burglar but I’m no arrogant fool. I know what my capabilities are and if I can burglar my way into $5, $6 a day, I’m one happy boy. So that’s why I knew I hit the jackpot last night. I strapped on my robbing shoes, robbing shirts (I wear four to cover up the identity of the other shirts), and my robbing gun (two trash cans that I bang really loudly together when I … [Read more...] about Holy Moly, I just robbed my way into 90 dollars
Sessions Hides in Melania’s Closet to Escape Eviction Notice
White House It seems Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III finally got the hint that he wasn’t wanted at the White House anymore. After months of Donald Trump dropping clues to get Sessions to pack up his clothes and get out, Trump finally had to confront him face to face. “I tried doing little things like mentioning that my parents were coming into town next month and needed … [Read more...] about Sessions Hides in Melania’s Closet to Escape Eviction Notice
Breaking: Friend who saw your Instagram story decides that they will, in fact, vote
Freshman Brian Anderson was going about his business this morning, November 6th, when he stumbled across your Instagram story, urging him to vote. “It really hit me”, Anderson commented to the Slant. “I wasn’t going to vote. I didn’t have time. But then I was on Instagram and saw that you posted on your story, so I opened it. I don’t know if it was the American flag gif, the … [Read more...] about Breaking: Friend who saw your Instagram story decides that they will, in fact, vote