Canada Goose is Back: The Slant’s Guide to Handling the Swarm

Winter is quickly approaching and Vanderbilt students are reporting an abundance of Canada geese on campus. No, not the fancy, puffy, red patch-bearing jackets, but actual geese. Should I accidentally stumble across a Canada goose strolling down West End, I would surely be less equipped for the situation than if I encountered a wealthy student wearing a Canada Goose jacket, which at this point I’m pretty used to. But an actual goose? What am I supposed to do? Ignore him? Carry on about my day, eating my Grins lunch as if there isn’t a hungry goose on the loose? Drive around in my car knowing there’s a Branta canadensis potentially in need of a ride? These questions are precisely why The Slant has taken the Humane Society’s guide “Solving Problems with Canada Geese” and revamped it according to our own standards.

If the goose is in an indoor space, get it out!

One of the worst ideas for handling geese is keeping them in indoor spaces. No goose is meant to sit at a desk from nine to five, five days a week. Encourage the goose to get some fresh air. Invite him or her to your yoga class on Alumni Lawn, offer to grab a brew from your favorite Broadway joint or recommend some concerts going on in the area. Nothing is worse than being chained to the cubicle!

Curtail reproduction

Most geese populating Vanderbilt’s campus are not suited for parenthood. If a male goose is still spending his time partying, blowing his money on drugs and alcohol and doesn’t know his way around a kitchen, he clearly is not ready for fatherhood. Inviting irresponsible Canada geese to events and gatherings with members of their preferred sex is not always the best idea. Keep that population size under control!

Modify habitats to be suitable for geese

If the vibe is off, the vibe is off. If you’re giving off wack energy, geese clearly do not want to be near you. Set the mood appropriately, let them feel at home around our part of town. Instead of shooing them away, offer to chill the vibes and put on some music while you sit outside. Advocate for Vanderbilt OHARE to incorporate goose-friendly spaces across our campus’ lawns, petition link in bio!

Educate the community

In order to foster a campus environment welcoming of our feathered friends, it is imperative that we take on these unprecedented circumstances with open minds and wide open arms. Push those around you to study up on the plethora of goose literature and science out there in hopes that we can promote an equitable campus for all birds. Diversity and inclusion starts with you! Literally, go grab a goose from the Centennial Park pond and start carrying it around. Anything but those Canada Goose jackets at this point.