Following the lead of the brave authentic Cherokee Indian Elizabeth Warren, SAE brother Spencer Hawthorne released his DNA test from MinorityAndMe this past week, revealing traces of GDI ancestry.
“I was hoping to see some kind of cool result, like 20% black so I could start saying the n-word in rap songs,” admitted Spencer. “But instead, I just found I come from some loser with no clout and probably a shitty follower ratio on Instagram.”
Spencer’s DNA test showed a lineage of 75% white colonialists, 15% Republicans, 5% former slave owners, 4% men’s rights activists, and 1% GDI.
“I talked to my parents immediately after I got the results,” recalled Spencer. “They confirmed that my great-great-great-great-grandfather was some loser GDI. He even got cut from KA, which doesn’t even make sense because he used to sell slaves in high school.”
“I was so ashamed when I found out,” Spencer lamented. “I was too afraid to even show my face at the latest very-heterosexual-bonding chapter meeting.”
Spencer’s friends and fraternity brothers have also been struggling to come to terms with these results – they feel uneasy associating with someone that may come from a history of nerds, queers, and virgins.
“I’m not sure if I feel comfortable letting Spencer hit my Juul anymore,” said Spencer’s SAE brother Jackson. “I don’t want to catch some geed disease like drinking responsibly or something.”
“I always thought that Spencer was a legit frat guy,” said Theta sister Chloe. “Between the racism, contempt for poor people, and overconfidence in his sexual ability, I really had him pegged for a true SAE brother.”
Despite fighting prejudice and discrimination, Spencer says that he’s finding a way to cope with the news and even embrace some of his non-fraternity heritage.
“I’m really starting to feel the geed in me. I made friends with a minority, and I’ve even started to respect women – but only when they’re not on their period.”