Retrospective First Semester Horoscopes


The first semester of the 2018-2019 school year ended about four weeks ago. That means your horoscope can actually be somewhat accurate now!

Aquarius – The stars aligned last semester so that every Bird you rented caused one child in Africa to die. You already knew that, though, didn’t you?

Pisces – Have you ever wondered what it would be like to fit three unprotected dicks in your anus at one time? That’s what the stars would have asked you prior to September 25th. Now they’re just curious about where those guys’ corpses are.

Aries – Every bad thing that you thought could have happened this year happened, minus one. Thankfully you never had to use that grappling hook to escape out the window during office hours. If the TA had yelled at you for your shit essay, prompting you to weasel out of a seventh floor window in Stevenson, hook attached to the leg of the TA’s desk, at best you would have broken both your legs in the process. At worst? Well, let’s just say the TA might have recommended that you retake Organic Chemistry.

Taurus – Your Earth sign personality traits caused every single one of your essays to turn into shit when you submitted them. That’s not why you got that C, though. That’s just because the professor hated you as a person.

Gemini – Fuck you, Gemini. You know what you did.

Cancer – You were sitting at the bar counter when that horse walked through the old saloon doors. His four hooves clacked along the wood floor, catching the attention of even the men most focused on their dancers. The cowboys took their hats off their head, unslung their six-shooters, and stood at the ready. You attempted to avert your gaze, but it was too late, the horse already noticed that of all the people in the bar your eyes carried the least contempt towards the oddity he assuredly was. Clop, clop, clop. Screeeeech went the stool legs dragging along the floorboards. The stool thumped as the 2200 pounds of horse flopped down. You looked on in amazement as the horse sat completely vertical, legs pointed straight out, parallel to the ground, head flopped back as if he was standing. In an oddly humanoid voice the horse requested one vodka on the rocks, “None of that pussy shit.” As the bartender slid the drink across the counter you looked into the horse’s eyes and noticed there were no pupils. In the empty eyes you noticed the intense sorrow that pervaded every aspect of the horse’s life. As you thought about the trials and tribulations that must have gone into creating that kind of stare you fell into your own existential pit. Every sorrow, every pain, every moment of anguish came into your mind at once. The pain was unbearable yet you knew it was nothing in comparison to what that horse felt every single minute of his life. Tears squeezing out of your eyes, you addressed the horse in desperation. “Please, sir. Please tell me, I beg you. All of this, is it worth it? Will I go through life feeling empty? What is the point of anything? Please tell me, in the face of this sorrow do I even exist?” The horse finished his sip of the drink, letting the silence permeate the bar, all eyes focused on the two of you. The cowboys had put their weapons away and were holding their hats over their chests as a shield, as if they could be protected from the eternal anguish they just saw you experience by a thin piece of faux leather. The glass hit the bar counter with a resounding clack, ice rattling against the cup. Clink, clink, clink. Just as you were about to inquire once more about the nature of existence itself, the horse sighed. “Do you exist? Do I exist? In the face of this world’s immense sorrow do any of us exist? I fear the answer is Neighhhhhhhh.”

Leo – The reason you won’t get into grad school occurred last semester. The stars won’t tell you what it was, but trust me, it was related to that night you don’t remember… and an email you sent to the professor who wrote your letter of recommendation.

Virgo – Next time you go on a date, maybe don’t act like a mother bird and try to spit chewed food into your significant other’s mouth. This wasn’t caused by a retrograde Neptune, it happened  because you fucking suck.

Libra – The library is a place of reading, which is why the planets didn’t satisfy your desire to have a threesome in the periodical room.

Scorpio – *Copyrighted music from Game of Thrones starts playing* Many moons ago, the forefathers of the Dragonborn entered this nation. Fighting for their life, freedom, and loved ones, they ne’er harrowed in the face of danger. For they were true men. As their oppressors surrounded them, they chose one person to hide away and preserve their legacy. A meek, virgin woman was hidden away in a small cave, destined for a future of pain and sorrow. She knew, as she huddled in the cold, that she would be lonely as the last of her kind, destined to wander a nation full of enemies who destroyed her people. In that moment, the heavens bestowed upon her a child to ease her agony. After nine long months of pregnancy, the woman pooped out a little sack of organs — that which we would now call a baby. As the days of her life came to a close, she wished the wee child the best fortunes any being could have. What she didn’t expect, though, was for you to be so fortunate as to have slept with a brother of the Sigma Chi Fraternity, on a night you both regret, in college.

Sagittarius – You kind of knew you weren’t going to get into that frat/sorority, but it still crushed your dreams when you didn’t. But, you can binge drink without the support of outdated Hellenistic organizations.

Capricorn – I know Nashville is a little more country than you’re used to, but maybe stop calling everyone a redneck hick and you won’t be robbed as often.

  • February 4, 2019