• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • News
  • Features
  • Life
  • Opinion
  • Rickroll
  • Slant TV
  • Staff
  • About Us
  • Be a Contributor

The Slant

Vanderbilt's Satirical Newspaper - Est. 1886

HUMOR AND SATIRE

Vanderbilt Football Game Recap: How to Take Candy from a Baby

September 25, 2017 by Slant Staff

For once, Vanderbilt had the chance to prove that the ‘Dores are not the punching bag of SEC football. Better yet, we had the chance to prove we were an elite team in the SEC; a force to be reckoned with.

After pulling off a stunning upset over the 18th ranked Kansas State Wildcats, Vanderbilt students chanted, “We want ‘Bama!” You can’t blame the kids for being excited. Like Alabama, we were undefeated, and had plenty to brag about: Kyle Shurmur was (statistically) the best quarterback in the nation, Ralph Webb was (statistically) the greatest running back in Vanderbilt history, and our defense was (statistically) the best in the country. Maybe, just maybe, we would shock the world by beating Alabama.

If by some miracle we did win, this would be an upset of unprecedented proportions. If one were to consult the history book of the history of historic upsets in history, you’d see this game atop the list: Vanderbilt and Alabama, Taylor Swift and Beyoncé at the 2009 VMA’s, Vanessa in season twenty-one of The Bachelor, and David and fucking Goliath.

Derek Mason and the Vanderbilt Football Team may have had the odds stacked against them, but this was our chance to shine.

“Is it our time? Are we the chosen ones?” we asked ourselves.

Not even close. Alabama absolutely pummeled the Commodores by a score of 59-0. It was as easy as taking candy from a baby. Without further ado, here’s a step-by-step manual of how to take candy from a baby: Alabama style.

Step One: Hype it up.

You want people to know that you’re that asshole that’ll do anything for a laugh. Let ‘em know that you’re about to take candy from a defenseless, helpless, and hopeless baby.

Our dear friends at ESPN and SEC Network decided to do just that for the babies of Vanderbilt University. After days of setting up, they broadcasted college football talk shows live from the Ingram Commons. On Saturday, they broadcasted SEC Nation, the best way for an SEC football fan to waste two hours of a Saturday morning. Everyone was trying to get in the background of the broadcast and meet the notorious Tim Tebow. SEC Network’s Twitter account, along with Vanderbilt Football’s Twitter account, was absolutely blowing up. At the time, it seemed probable that we would lose, but even the analysts on campus thought we’d cover the 18.5 Las Vegas point spread. Fifty nine points later, we see how idiotic these predictions were.

Step Two: Make sure everyone is watching. It’ll be funnier

The baby is going to cry. A lot. It may try and put up a fight, but in the end, it’ll lose in embarrassing fashion. Why not make sure everyone is watching?

If you’re wondering exactly how big of an audience you need, ‘Bama can help. Your target audience should be the entire goddamn country.

For the sixth time in Vanderbilt football’s not-so-storied history, this game was nationally televised on CBS. From a Commodore’s perspective, it seems peculiar that the Athletic Department would agree to having the whole nation watch us get assaulted. However, from CBS’ perspective, it’s a great marketing technique: nationally televise some wicked man named Nick Saban snatching a lollipop from a baby in an unattended stroller.

Step Three: To maximize perspective laughs, give the Baby a little, teeny, tiny bit of a chance.

It’s not as funny if you just walk up to the baby, take the candy, and walk away. Before you begin your taunting, make yourself seem daunting to the poor little baby. It’s provocative, it gets the people going!

Alabama began the game by giving Vanderbilt fans, players, and coaches the illusion that miracles really do happen. On Vanderbilt’s first drive, Alabama jokester Anfernee Jennings decided to make it interesting. His roughing the passer penalty resulted in a Vanderbilt first down, to which Vanderbilt fans thought, “Holy shit! We got this!” The very next play, on first and ten, Shurmur slings it to star tight-end Jared Pinkney, who showed us that he deserved to get his candy taken away. After having one too many Butterfingers in the locker room, Pinkney tipped the pass right into the hands of Ronnie Harrison. Interception. Oh well.

It didn’t end there: After the interception, ‘Bama failed to score on their first drive of the game, giving us even more hope. They ran seven plays before punting it back to the Commodores, and now, our thoughts were, “Holy shit! Our defense has got this!”

As much as you want me to say, “it didn’t end there,” this time, it actually did.

Step Four: Steal that shit. Make it look easy.

It’s not hard, people. What is the baby going to do? I’ll tell you what they won’t do: put on an offensive showing. In this case, Alabama picked through Vanderbilt’s defense for 677 yards of total offense, while the helpless babe—I mean, the Commodores, gained a meager 78 yards.

Put on the hurt. Well, don’t hurt the baby, but in football terms, it may look like this: Interception, touchdown, touchdown, forced fumble, touchdown, touchdown, another forced fumble, field goal, touchdown, touchdown, touchdown, touchdown. Not a peep from the baby or its offense. Also, somewhere in the beginning of that journey to a 59-0 victory, take out your starters and let your backups get some candy too. You can’t let your starters get too fat, especially if they have a National Championship to play for. By letting their backups feast, Alabama did just that: two quarterbacks threw at least ten passes, four running backs had at least five rushing attempts, and seven different receivers caught passes.

Well, better luck next time Vanderbilt. We’re hoping for the best this week in the Swamp. Now it’s our turn to take candy from babies. Only problem is that these babies aren’t quite as vulnerable. The Florida Gators are currently ranked 21st in the nation and are ready to show us what they’re made of on their home field. Uh-oh.

 

Written by an embarrassed sports writer for The Vanderbilt Hustler using the alias Gimon Sibbs

Filed Under: Bout Balls, Sports Tagged With: baby, bama, candy, football, vandy

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • I Thought Only My Cat Would Forget About Me While I Was Away at College, but It Turns Out My Parents Did Too
  • Sad but Hot is the New Hot: How to Look Perfectly Beautiful While Deteriorating Emotionally
  • The Anti-Social Socialite’s Guide to Forming Friendships with Coworkers
  • Diermeier Dormitories to Replace Branscomb Quad in Fall 2022
  • Separating the Art from the Artist: Why It’s Ok to Keep Hooking Up with That Guy Who Is an Asshole to You

vanderbiltslant

A time honored Vanderbilt tradition By Estelle Sh A time honored Vanderbilt tradition

By Estelle Shaya
Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the commen Drop your best 2026 admissions stats in the comments
@quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three @quinnxcii We’ll back off in exchange for three (3) VIP Coachella tickets
Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Apparently next Oscars will feature Guillermo Del Toro and Timothee Chalamet wrestling in a kiddie pool full of Jello

By Sam Sliman
Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander Stay tuned for more Vandy logo slander
You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fi You can’t fix your bracket, but you can still fix your mental health.

By Jack Hollier
Very Important! Please read By Damian Ho Very Important! Please read

By Damian Ho
Wow! This is so inspiring! Wow! This is so inspiring!
It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much mo It’s not his fault that fossil fuels are much more profitable than universities

By Sam Sliman
EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCE EVERYTHING IS FINE. THERE IS NO REASON TO BE CONCERNED.
Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be enti Victim of financial aid collusion? You may be entitled to one free meal swipe

By Sam Sliman
Follow on Instagram

Archives

  • June 2022
  • May 2022
  • April 2022
  • March 2022
  • February 2022
  • January 2022
  • December 2021
  • November 2021
  • October 2021
  • September 2021
  • July 2021
  • May 2021
  • April 2021
  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • January 2021
  • November 2020
  • October 2020
  • September 2020
  • June 2020
  • May 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • May 2019
  • April 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
September 2017
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930  
« Aug   Oct »

Follow Us

Facebook Twitter YouTube

Footer

  • Archive
  • Privacy
  • Be a Contributor
  • About Us
  • Contact Us

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org

Copyright © 2022 · Magazine Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in