Diagnosed at age 4, my severe latex allergy has affected nearly all aspects of my life. Now, as we near the halfway point of the 2016 UEFA Euro Cup, European national teams and their sexy players fight to continue to the knockout stages of the tournament. But despite my life-threatening allergies, I’m willing to sacrifice my physical well-being if it means getting a chance to sleep with these eight hunky footballers:
1. Andre Gomes
Gloves, rubber bands, balloons, and latex condoms. These are just a few of the things my doctors have strongly discouraged me from touching for the last seventeen years. Yet, despite their serious orders, I would risk it all on a latex-based condom if that was the only form of contraception between me and sexy Portuguese midfielder Andre Gomes.
2. Gerard Pique
Now I wouldn’t do this for just anyone. My Type 1 hypersensitivity to the proteins in latex make daily existence a high-stakes game of dodgeball. But something about Spanish defender Gerard Pique’s piercing blue eyes, muscular physique, and warm, bearded smile make contact with my own personal poison all worth it.
3. Admir Mehmedi
Unprotected sex, while fun and uninhibited, can have damaging lifelong consequences for not only you and your partner, but also your future children. That’s why, if given the chance, sex with hunky Swiss forward Admir Mehmedi will have to be uncomfortable, swollen, itchy, AND safe.
4. Sergio Ramos
As both captain of the Spanish national team and a world-class defender, the only thing I want blocking Sergio Ramos’s shots is a latex condom that will trigger a chain of severe allergic reactions within me. I mean, really — what’s one life-threatening rash to a one night stand with Spain’s hottest defender?
5. Gareth Bale
As my throat closes up and the skin around my crotch swells to twice its normal size, leading tournament goal scorer Gareth Bale will say, “5.7 million American women rely on the latex-based male condom to prevent unwanted pregnancies.” To which I would reply, “I am one of them, but only for the night.”
6. Cristiano Ronaldo
A golden boy both on and off the pitch, model, spokesperson, and star footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo was an obvious choice for this list of Euro 2016 players for whom I’d risk anaphylactic shock. Although he continues to underperform while donning his national gear, let’s hope CR7 scores where it actually counts – in bed with me as my skin screams with each passionate exchange.
7. Ashley Williams
Let me make this clear: I, somehow, make it home with Welsh defender Ashley Williams. We get to his room. Things get hot and heavy. He pulls out his non-hypoallergenic box of condoms. I say, “This will cause me incessant discomfort, but I want the sex.” We have sex. Simple as that.
8. Ricardo Quaresma
I cannot think of a sexier person to die next to.