Sorry I’ve been missing for so long. My Snapchat is a ghost town. My Facebook, empty. I even have yet to post a Receiptify of my mediocre song selections. All because there’s no damn cell reception in this brick-laid mausoleum. I’ve made 540 attempts to crack the wifi passcode. There...
If that tall, lanky bisexual woman’s dream of a white boy who goes around college campuses and asks random people “what song are you listening to?” came up to me he would be fucked. Unlike the rest of you plebeians, I do not fill my days sitting in a Rand...
Gully Hender, a known masochist Commodore majoring in neuroscience on a premed track, had been up studying for three consecutives nights in preparation for his biochemistry exam. In order to stay focused, he drank a total of nine Bang Energys and took 100 milligrams of unprescribed Adderall. With shaking hands,...
By Connor Pattison 1984, To Kill A Mockingbird, Catcher in the Rye, Brave New World, The Great Gatsby, Fahrenheit 451, what do these filets of dead trees with useless ink splotches have in common? These pieces of “classic literature” are testaments to the literary accomplishments of a bunch of cynical,...
By Bryce Hanson and Josh Linett I’m a simple man. Give me the finest room in Rothschild, unlimited Rand cookies, the workload of an HOD major with the prestige of biomedical engineering, a villa on the white-sand beaches of Radnor Lake, a scooter made by Ferrari that I stole from...
