The Vanderbilt Biological Sciences Department recently announced that one of their students, junior Gimli Turner, has cured cancer. Doctors around the world are applauding Turner’s tireless efforts toward curing this enigmatic, tenacious disease—a true medical miracle. His roommate, Dory Wimmer Jr., says the idea simply happened upon Turner one night...
It’s midterm season! And not the boring academic dishonesty kind, but rather the political kind! While this can be a very tense and stressful period, it really doesn’t have to be—you just need to know how to do your part. In this election cycle, you should be able to sell...
Ever since he filled the pool in his fourth house’s backyard with crude oil because he “liked the way it feels on [his] tummy,” Chancellor Diermeier has been in deep shit regarding sustainability. Things got especially heated for the self-proclaimed German Germ when he refused to apologize for the incident....
Sorry I’ve been missing for so long. My Snapchat is a ghost town. My Facebook, empty. I even have yet to post a Receiptify of my mediocre song selections. All because there’s no damn cell reception in this brick-laid mausoleum. I’ve made 540 attempts to crack the wifi passcode. There...
If that tall, lanky bisexual woman’s dream of a white boy who goes around college campuses and asks random people “what song are you listening to?” came up to me he would be fucked. Unlike the rest of you plebeians, I do not fill my days sitting in a Rand...
