By Bonnie Bu Some people just spawn fresh out of summer. Tousled OBX-lookin-ass-hair and tanned, jaundice-free skin are their entire look. Maybe they’re even wearing $70 Rainbow flip flops; we all love a little exposed toe! The first day of classes is a great time to shoot your submissive shot...
The Vanderbilt Biological Sciences Department recently announced that one of their students, junior Gimli Turner, has cured cancer. Doctors around the world are applauding Turner’s tireless efforts toward curing this enigmatic, tenacious disease—a true medical miracle. His roommate, Dory Wimmer Jr., says the idea simply happened upon Turner one night...
Ever since he filled the pool in his fourth house’s backyard with crude oil because he “liked the way it feels on [his] tummy,” Chancellor Diermeier has been in deep shit regarding sustainability. Things got especially heated for the self-proclaimed German Germ when he refused to apologize for the incident....
Gully Hender, a known masochist Commodore majoring in neuroscience on a premed track, had been up studying for three consecutives nights in preparation for his biochemistry exam. In order to stay focused, he drank a total of nine Bang Energys and took 100 milligrams of unprescribed Adderall. With shaking hands,...
By Bryce Hanson and Josh Linett I’m a simple man. Give me the finest room in Rothschild, unlimited Rand cookies, the workload of an HOD major with the prestige of biomedical engineering, a villa on the white-sand beaches of Radnor Lake, a scooter made by Ferrari that I stole from...
