Game of Thrones Season 6 Episode 2 [Spoilers (DUH)]

Good ol’ Jonboi Snowtits is actually alive this time after a nice haircut, a Kleenex or two, and young-again Melisandre’s magic word which, unsurprisingly, was ‘please.’ That’s right, kids, your Kindergarten teacher is teaching you pagan fire-witch resurrection magic, and you are all going to hell!  

Melisandre is like one of those Indian kids who right before a test complains about how he’s going to “fail so hard” and that he “hardly studied,” but ends up getting a 99 and brags about it for a week. Fuck you, Rajesh.

Ramsay really needs to find a better food source for his dogs than human flesh. His local PetSmart sells grain free, organically meaty, delicious dog food that promotes sleek fur and clean teeth at bargain prices. It’s a lot more cost effective to use treats rather than human babies when teaching your dogs how to sit.

Old, white, powerful men continue to do very poorly in this show. Lord Bolton looked surprised when Ramsay stabbed him, but he totally should have seen this coming. He should have thought, “Eh, yeah. On second thought, Ramsay is nuttier than squirrel shit. I totally should have seen this coming.” And the old and wrinkled, lusty king of seamen must have been like “I can totally see why skydiving is a thing. Wahooooooo!” before creating his first and last mancake.

On the upside, Bran Stark has returned after a whole crippling season of absence. He even got a haircut to match his half-brother’s. Handsome Jesus invited Arya back into his elite frat where pledging involves blindness, identity loss, murdering people, face stealing, and white people. Reminds me of my college years.

And now Hodor’s name is Willis? Willys? Wyllis? Wyllys? Wyweren’tthereanyboobsinthisepisodellys?  You gotta love those silent letters.  Hopefully we’ll find out the correct hipster spelling in the next episode.  

[Additional contributor: Rachel Erbrick]