The British are Coming: Why You Should Be Scared at the Rising Number of British International Students at Vanderbilt

By Anisa Juma

The end times are coming. One day the United States will crumble with its power, and it will all start at Vanderbilt’s choice of letting in too many British students. 

Historically, Vanderbilt only hosts a maximum of three British International students each year and this is a pattern that has forever maintained consistent. However, this year there has been a record-breaking number of a whopping fifteen British International Students. All posh, all disgustingly rich and they all are plotting on bringing down the American way of life. The TV shows or how they like to say “the telly” has lied to us they’re nothing like Bridgerton or Downton Abbey – they are downright evil. Those conniving backstabbers will bring a second Revolutionary War that we won’t be able to come back from. 

One day they’re making you swoon with those charming British accents and the next they’re making you sign your rights away to make this great country back into a colony. Gone are the American cheeseburger and fries you slobber away at and in comes the fish and chips with beans and toast on the side that they shove down your throat. And when you reach for your iced coffee to wash it all down it will be piping hot earl grey tea! Vanderbilt will still be a football school, but it will be the one you kick with your feet and that’s just no fun. 

What will they do next? Give us free healthcare? Remove our beloved second amendment and the guns we all love to flourish? The most heinous might be taking away our sugar and fats in our food – how can we be the biggest first world country if we’re not the most gluttonous, gargantuan behemoths on this planet? 

So, for the sake of all that is good in this country, get rid of those doggone Brits!