‘Lights on the Lawn’ Canceled After Gryffin Revealed to be Artist, NOT Half-Eagle, Half-Lion Beast of Antiquity
Vanderbilt’s annual “Lights on the Lawn” event has been canceled this year after mass protests around its headliner, Gryffin. The problem students had with him? His very humanity, the mortal coil that he will only shed on his last day. For months, tickets to the event have been selling like wildfire, in no small part because of the buzz around “Gryffin.” What the administration failed to specify, however, was that Gryffin was a human artist, as opposed to the part eagle, part lion beast of ancient myths.
In the week leading up to the event, Chancellor Diermeier released his annual tirade against US News. While this message would have otherwise been completely ignored, there was one part of it that caught the attention of readers. While trying to explain why Vanderbilt is undoubtedly a top ten school, Diermeier said, “We even got Gryffin here. Do you know who the hell that is? He doesn’t DJ for just anybody, it’s a seriously big deal.”
“He?” “DJ?” What was Diermeier talking about? You cannot assign gender to the guardian beasts of Apollo, and you certainly can’t make them DJ (as sick as that would be). It turns out “Gryffin” is not an Americanized version of the name Griffin, but is instead a DJ and music producer from San Francisco. As soon as word got out, students began demanding refunds en masse. One student was particularly disappointed, telling us he’d “have even been okay with a Lamassu.” While the administration has claimed that students’ expectations were too high, some have pointed out that this wouldn’t be the first time Vanderbilt has gone all out for the Greeks, saying, “I mean, after that giant Trojan horse Diermeier made last year, was it really that much of a stretch?”
Our students aren’t the only ones unhappy about this turn of events. Zeus, chief god of the Greek pantheon, King of Olympus and Lord of the Skies, has shown his displeasure through a series of storms hammering the South throughout the last week. In a statement to the Slant, he stated, “Watching giant beasts fight to the death gives me a unique kind of pleasure. Now the closest I’m gonna get to that is Ben Shapiro’s visit in November.” Fizz had been blowing up in the days leading up to the event, with rampant discussion on what beasts the Griffin would be fighting. Guesses ranged from rhinos to the Minotaur, although some did point out the impossibility of an appearance from the Minotaur due to its current imprisonment within the Labyrinth.
It’s a sad day for the Vanderbilt community, but Gryffin himself had a little to say on it. His official statement was short: “None of my fans had ever asked me to sprout wings before this event. I don’t think I’ll be returning to Vanderbilt in the future.” His unofficial statement however, was a long, profanity filled rant about how he “thought these kids were supposed to be smart” and “someone needs to pull them out of this fucking fantasy land they’re living in. How could any school afford an actual griffin?”
The administration refuses refunds but does offer a discount on the next school sponsored event featuring artist “Kraken.” After these tragic events, I think I speak for all of Vanderbilt when I express my disappointment in this administration. We wanted a mythical experience, not a setlist.
