A House Divided – The Race to Find New York a New Congressman (or woman)


By Oliver Tuff

It was recently announced that Democrat Tom Suozzi has won a special election to become the newest representative for New York. In my opinion, the election should never have happened in the first place (look how they persecuted our icon George Santos). Further still, there were so many other candidates that would have represented the New York spirit far better than this loser Tom Suozzi ever will. Let’s take a look at who I think should’ve gotten the job:

The Elmo Costume Guy In Times Square

A master of foreign affairs and internal budgeting, Elmo is a seasoned politician well-acquainted with the spotlight. With a long-running tenure on Sesame Street and a brief stint in Guantanamo Bay Prison for narcotics trafficking, Elmo is the kind of politician you could grab a beer or two or twelve with. I’m not dumb – I know the Elmo Costume Guy in Times Square isn’t the real Elmo. However, much like how all of the Mall Santas report to the real Santa, all of the Times Square Elmos report to the head honcho himself, so Times Square Elmo is essentially a mouthpiece for the biddings of the real Elmo. Now, Elmo isn’t all sunshine and rainbows – his extremist stances on vaccines and climate change can certainly be a turnoff to some voters. But, when compared to Tom “Who The Fuck Is This” Suozzi, Elmo looks like pre-bullet-to-the-head JFK. 

Carmelo Anthony

This pick honestly feels fairly obvious – if Carmelo Anthony dictates legislation, who is saying no? Does Tom Suozzi have ten NBA All-Star selections, three Olympic gold medals, and a NCAA National Championship? I didn’t think so. Unfortunately though, Tom is still tied with Melo in number of NBA championships (zero – goddammit Melo). The Midrange Merchant has expressed interest in getting rid of the freedom of speech and press, and while I’m not confident that would be the most successful policy implementation, if Carmelo Anthony says it, I believe it. At the very least, Melo would be more popular than de Blasio. As a staunch believer in the Keynesian school of economic thought, Melo has floated the idea of dropping taxes for the one-percenters to sub-Reagan levels. While this would be unfortunate for America’s poor (womp womp), it certainly would not hurt Suozzi with his undisclosed $10 million stock market trades. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Hustle harder. 

George Santos

That’s right. BRING THE MAN BACK. Having already been a New York Congressman, George Santos is easily the most qualified person for the job and has hands-on experience making waves in the House of Representatives. When he’s not busy absolutely slaying in Brazil or reallocating funds to pay for his lavish and hard-earned OnlyFans appetite, Santos is a fan favorite politician that is known for his honesty and absurdly impressive resume. With stints at NYU and Goldman Sachs, Santos is the IB king that we all need in Congress. Santos has publicly advocated for an expansion of landlord rights, which I believe is much needed. In an era with more single parents than ever, we need the tough warriors that aren’t afraid to raise rent on these slackers. Additionally, we all can agree there needs to be more diversity within Congress and who better to do that than a pillar of all things Jew-ish. Santos’ own mother survived the 9/11 attacks and while haters will say this was a deceitful lie, I find it charming how he has such a vivid imagination. All I’ll say is Putin didn’t dare to touch Alexei Navalny until Santos left office. 

In Conclusion, Tom Suozzi Sucks

I don’t even mean to be a hater here, but it’s clear as day that Suozzi is a chump. Dude plain and simple cannot ball like the rest of these candidates can. It is a genuine disgrace that Tom Suozzi is allowed to be anywhere near a voting ballot in Congress, and I will be considering boycotting the US government until they can figure this whole snafu out. If one of these three candidates, or at the very least someone that doesn’t look like he eats hedge funds for breakfast, is not making high-stakes policy decisions, there will be some serious issues. You have been warned, Congress: you have 3 days to prove yourselves. In the meantime, please continue to fuck over the American people in every way possible – you’ve done a great job recently!

  • March 19, 2024