“I’m Straight, But I Feel You:” Vanderbilt Fraternity Engages Allyship, Joins Grindr
By Very Heterosexual Frat Bro
Following decades-long allegations of bigotry of virtually all kinds, a Vanderbilt fraternity is bolstering its efforts towards diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) through a brotherhood-wide initiative on Grindr—a dating app frequented by gay men.
The fraternity, which has chosen to stay anonymous “to disentangle [their] allyship from the worrisome growth of neoliberal activism,” decided that Grindr provided a salient context for experiential learning. One brother, who goes by “LOOKING4HEAD” online, described the Grindr initiative as an exciting advancement for the organization. “This project has allowed me to realize how diverse the white community at Vanderbilt is. I was worried that the frat’s pictures would look different this year if we admitted gays, but everyone I’ve fucked so far has actually looked a lot like us. For some reason, nonwhite gays seem less interested in coming to Greek Row.” LOOKING4HEAD continued: “In any case, Grindr allowed me to understand our differences. While I enjoy [CENSORED], [CENSORED] and [CENSORED], I never kiss the gay or hold its hand. Through Grindr, I realized that this is why gays are gay whereas I am straight.”
Another brother, “NeedBigPpNow,” also raved about the initiative. “Grindr costs no money, allowing us to reinvest our DEI funds in beer for our spring break trip. We can also provide more money for our philanthropy, a lobbying group working hard to shut down the Trevor Project.” The frat plans to have a large party in Panama City Beach this coming Spring, though the party will exclude gay men in order to maintain a safe environment for the heterosexual brothers. NeedBigPpNow went on, “All organizations should try Grindr. My goal originally was to be an ally for just a semester and then I’d be off the hook for the rest of my life. But now I’m an ally [on Grindr] every night. To be honest, I’m addicted to advocacy, and it’s free. Advocacy has even infiltrated my wet dreams.”
When prompted about how the initiative may inform future institutional decisions, fraternity president “SubBottomDL” disclosed that it was difficult to say anything “for sure.” “There is a lot of gossip that Greek Life is homophobic, racist, sexist, predatory, classist, ableist and generally not diverse. This isn’t true at all. In fact, I would say we are one of the least problematic student organizations on campus,” SubBottomDL stated. While fraternities at Vanderbilt are generally dominated by white cis-het men, the president said that he “cannot decide who does and does not rush.”
“There is just some weird reason why minorities don’t want to join our frat,” SubBottomDL explained over Snapchat DM. “But I might recommend you zoom in on the lower left corner of the fourth picture from our Instagram post on May 3, 2022.” Investigation of said post found that there is in fact a brown person pictured there. “That was such a good picture,” SubBottomDL went on to say. “If I’m being honest, I didn’t want to post that, but it definitely comes in handy at times like this.”
In a poorly formatted closing that was evidently copy-and-pasted, SubBottomDL wrote, “Guys please send this to people who keep asking for our stance on anything. ‘Our frat has put in lots of work to address its history reinforcing hegemonic power structures. Our society today is plagued by cis-hetero-patriarchy, rape culture, misogynoir and classism among other social ills. It is up to us as comrades to embrace anti-colonial approaches as put forth in Black, feminist, queer and crip theory paradigms. Only then will all be free. Black Lives Matter.’”
It seems likely that Greek life today is reformed. All it took was some charitable gay sex.
