Gen Chem Grades Skyrocket Following Surge in Vibrating Anal Bead Sales

By Fluke Baller

Sad processions of CHEM 1601 students have been a common sight at Vanderbilt for years. But in recent weeks they’ve been seen around campus with a spring in their step, life in their eyes and anal beads up their ass.

Spurred by the “worst fucking midterm I’ve seen in my entire fucking life,” inside sources report that students en masse are buying remote-controlled vibrating anal beads, shoving them right up to the colon and receiving answers through coded pulses sent to them by an outside collaborator. We spoke with those most shaken up inside by these developments.

“I’ve only ever cheated online before,” says sophomore Hands Needman. “But the rush of getting that score back was the second most pleasurable thing I’ve felt this week.”

One faculty member, Professor Mass O’Kist, sobbed: “For years, I’ve gotten off on the existential dread of wide-eyed freshmen getting a D for the first time. Now they’re earning record grades while getting fucked by someone else?!” O’Kist declined to comment on whether his job would join the countless others outsourced to the relentless crush of automation.

An anonymous chemistry major, who claims to be the one supplying students with beads, says she sees possible applications for the beads expanding, pulsing and throbbing into other fields. 

“As CS majors are intimately familiar with the use of sex toys and have strong memories of the first time they stuck a finger up there, we feel the potential for cognitive activation there is incredible,” she said. “And personally, I’m really looking forward to pushing this into the competitive chess market. I think it’ll cause some big upsets.”

But not all students are reacting positively to the change. “Now we have literally no shared topics of conversation with any of our peers,” student Khemikulry Akshun lamented. “Turns out, the shared trauma of Gen Chem was the only thing keeping my social life afloat. The only interactions I’ve had in weeks are with the guy holding the remote.”