I Wasn’t Rich Enough: My Rejection Letter From Vanderbilt

By Flynt Larry

Flynt Larry 

822 Rep. John Lewis Way S Suite A

Nashville, TN 37203

Dear Flynt, 

Thank you for applying to Vanderbilt University through the Regular Decision application cycle. We would first like to say that we are not sorry at all for the delay in the decisions that we have rendered — we honestly do not give a flying fuck. In all of Vanderbilt’s 150 years (yes, we did just celebrate our birthday for over a year), this year’s applicant pool was by far the most competitive. Luckily for us, we had the great pleasure of rejecting poor and middle class applicants admission to Vanderbilt, just like you! We appreciate that you told us that you come from a first generation, low income family, as well as being a racial minority whose parents gave up everything so their child could go to college, hoping for a top 20 education. It explains why you needed that application waiver. Tsk, tsk. However, it is with no regret whatsoever that we are unable to offer you admission to the incoming Class of 2028 through the Regular Decision cycle. We know that this decision is of great disappointment to you, but we honestly do not give a shit. Please do not be discouraged that we have accepted better applicants out there who are underqualified to be admitted to one of the most prestigious universities in the world. 

We do, however, still strongly encourage you to look for other options to pursue your dreams, which are probably shitty and too hard to achieve. We are proud of you for making it this far in the admissions process. Unfortunately, debt and earnings are now being considered in determining college rankings, which means that if your family is not in the top 1%, you’re not in the top 7% of applicants that make it in. During the application process, we look for students who are determined, have a high sex drive and have financial stability to fall back on if their college major leads them to a shit job. From looking at your application, it is evident that you do not fit this criteria. Also, who do you even know here? Like, your bank account has no commas in it. 

We understand that you still wish to pursue a college education, so we suggest that you try community college, but that still might be too expensive for you and your family to pay for. May  we also advise that you never think about applying to Vanderbilt ever again as we would not look forward to reading your sorry excuse of an application. But hey, at least you’re in the majority of something instead of the continued trend of being a minority. We here on the Committee of Undergraduate Admissions at Vanderbilt University wish you the best of luck in all of your future endeavors because you honestly need it. 

Thank you and Fuck off, 

Big DD

Dean of Undergraduate Admissions and Financial Aid at Vanderbilt University