By Ruhi Patel
The other day I was just gallivanting around Toys “R” Us looking for a life-sized Peppa Pig inflatable (shopping for a friend, I swear), and I saw an advertisement for the coolest, hottest new toy on the market.
Imagine my surprise when I saw a plastic, 4 inch replica of our former Presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy! It seems that after dropping out of the race for president, Vivek decided to become a true “model minority.” How the mighty have fallen.
Obviously, this new trinket intrigued me, and I was wondering whether it deserved an addition to my collection. So, I decided to investigate. What new features does this toy have? What makes Vivek so desirable?
I didn’t want to open the actual toy because I’ve gotta keep it in mint condition and such. But, judging from the outside, this little figurine seems to have self-loathing superpowers! I mean, the sheer aura of low self-esteem I felt emanating from mini Vivek was unparalleled. I guess the poor guy just doesn’t want to subject others to the pain of being a first-generation American. And that’s why he doesn’t believe in birthright citizenship! It all makes sense now, guys.
I further examined the outside of the box to see what the main advertised features were. They even nailed Vivek’s most important trait: the action figure is really, really good at peeing quite loudly, particularly on Twitter (no, I won’t say X) live streams with his bestie Elon! He can absolutely CRACK that porcelain. Plus, it seems his action figure actually unveils a little stream when you press a button on his back. I thought this was such a nifty, unique feature because it shows the complexities of male human anatomy I was previously blind to. Who knew they could control pee with a button?!
The last thing on the box that really caught my eye was that Vivek’s action figure is very submissive — just like in real life when he dropped out of the race. In fact, his action figure will do anything you want. Anything at all! He could even endorse you as a candidate for president of the United States of America even if you’ve been charged with multiple felonies! Isn’t that neat? Upon reflection, it seems maybe his silly little campaign was just a secret ploy to one day get trumped by Donald. But I am so glad his action figure accurately reflects this quirk of his.
Me personally, I am just itching to exploit all of the things this model minority action figure has to offer. Maybe I’ll even take some notes and see if I, too, one day can be a model minority just like him! Overall, I think mini Vivek would make a perfect addition to my action figure collection. He’d be in great company surrounded by Ron DeSantis, Bernie Sanders (mittens edition, of course), Ted Cruz in beach attire and my dog. In an apocalyptic world, I know my personal Justice League would have my back. Barbie’s got nothing on this gang of misfits.
