First-Year Returns to High School as God among Men


Upon his return to his former high school in Tampa, Florida, Vanderbilt first-year Stephen Williams was met with worship, awe, and reverence. Current high school seniors lined up before the now-deity for several miles, each prepared with a bouquet of roses and at least fifteen questions about how to get into Vanderbilt and what college is like.

Williams sat in a throne in the student cafeteria underneath a banner which read “#15 in the Nation in General, but #1 Happiest College According to The Princeton Review.” Though the student offerings tended to be more or less the same — hundreds of the gathered seniors presented Common App essays to get Williams’ thoughts — the questions posed were more varied.

Williams thoughtfully stroked his neck beard and answered each inquiry with aplomb.

“Yes, My Child, there are indeed babes at college, and they are indeed hot.”

“Yes, My Child, college is very much fun, and the party scene is lit, in truth.”

“No, My Child, there is regrettably still a lot of homework in college — but lo, the hotness of the babes present therein do more than make up for this predicament.”

The high school seniors made sure to kiss the toes of Williams after graciously thanking him for making time for mortals as meek as themselves. 417 of those gathered followed Williams on Instagram during his visit, and each understood that he probably would not follow them back due to his ubiquitous collegiate majesty.

Before Williams’ departure, the ceremonies ended with a joint sacrifice of the high school senior most likely to go to the local community college.

  • November 27, 2017