Temptation, Lust and Retribution: A Warren Sinner Washed Away

By Chris Conway

 For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.

The steady drips should’ve warned me. I used to be good. I went to mass every Saturday evening; I carried so many chairs setting up for my Bible studies; I’ve helped Father John with his ceremonial staff cleaning since the day I could open my mouth. All that seems meaningless after what I have just done. What hurts the most is that God sent me message after message and I just couldn’t stop fucking my dick with the best fleshlight money could buy. I knew it was against everything holy and good. I knew I would be suffering one day for my transgressions. I just couldn’t imagine it would happen now. 

And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.

The signs were there. My floor developed numerous cases of influenza the day I bought it. The day I unboxed it, a wave of cockroaches swarmed the common rooms and bathrooms. The first night I brought myself to touch it, The Rains came. I was a fool. I thought it coincidence. I looked outward, grasping for any reason why this was happening. Maybe there were fraternal gatherings in which these communicable ailments were frequent; Maybe the cockroaches were just the byproduct of irregular cleanings; Maybe the storms were just signs of an impending Nashville autumn. How wrong I truly was. 

And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth

Despite the signs, I resolved to use the tantalizing yet cursèd fleshlight. As I was preparing myself for the session, I heard keys start to rustle in my door. Drat! My roommate wished to enter, so I knew I must escape. I was entranced and ensnared in the chokehold the toy had me under. It lured me out of my room and into the bathroom. It forced me to turn on the showers to mute the sound that it would elicit the second I let it take over. Finally, I entered the fateful stall and began. My eyes rolled up and I was fully immersed in what would be my downfall. 

And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man

The second I bust into the sweet, soft, supple silicon, I am sent into a bliss far unmatched by the hands and lotion of yore; rather, the ecstasy is blinding. I just want more, but that’s when I realize. The drips aren’t just drips anymore. I look to my left and I realize what I have done. I see the streams of water flowing from the walls. I see the pools forming on the ground. I hear the other members of my floor panicking at what I hath brought. The fleshlight falls from my hands. I see it. I see how God punishes those who forsake him. 

And the waters prevailed upon the earth for a hundred and fifty days.