Top 5 Improvements the GET App Desperately Needs


Although it might be a bit of a stretch comparing ordering food on the GET app to the Iranian Hostage Crisis… actually I’m not gonna finish that. Anyways, I can’t be the only one having problems with this dumpster baby of an app, so while we wait for IT to abort these issues, I thought up a few extra changes they should make while they’re at it: 

  1. Adding a delivery option to any online order:
    • With pledge season in full swing, the administration has graciously offered to exchange successful meal deliveries for literal “get out of jail free” cards, perfect for dealing with any Greek life mishaps. 
  2. New Vanderbilt Awards:
    • Incomparable to the Dean’s List, these honors wouldn’t come at the sacrifice of your mental health. Instead, we could gift a nice ribbon to anyone who has accidentally turned on their camera while nude in class. Maybe we could give a participation trophy to the poor souls who try to shoot their shot in the Zoom chat window. Possibly a $25 reward for the first person who burns down Stevenson, wait scratch that, definitely a $25 reward and I’ll even throw in two out of my five guest flex meals. 
  3. Increased accessibility of Commodore Card:
    • Due to popular demand, it is now possible to use any item priced over $500 as a Commodore Card. Nothing says not divesting from oil quite like swiping your Golden Gooses to buy frozen meals from Munchie Mart. Also, for all my sinus-infected-post-nose-jobs sorority girls, I suppose you could slam your face against the scanner if you really wanted to. I know it would certainly make the Rand workers day.
  4. New executive partnerships:
    • Everyone loved when admin partnered with Apple to bring the Commodore Card to Apple Pay, so why stop there? By pairing the GET app with the Bank of America, Mr. C would be able to send personalized messages like “Hey buddy, this is the fourth time you’ve gone to Taco Mama this week, do you need the contact information for the Student Health Center?” or “Did you really just purchase a Melissa Gresalfi erotic coin collection… bro… how are you this down bad?” Additionally, a partnership with the Chrome Incognito Browser was proposed, but when presented to Chancellor Diermeier it was immediately shot down. What are you hiding Daniel?
  5. Meal donations:
    • During this trying time, I believe it is quite important to donate food to those who really need it. Specifically, the poor econ majors who have been waiting for six days in their online career fair just to meet with J.P. Morgan. God knows they need the food and I can see some of them starting to carve a permanent smile into their faces Heath Ledger style. 
  • April 7, 2021