The Slant Presents: Live Blog of the Election Results
6:09 PM: We immediately began panicking at the sight of Trump winning Kentucky and Indiana. We are as surprised at this as we were to find out that a man with the last name of Weiner would have a sex scandal.
6:17 PM: It’s possible that Trump might win Florida. We just had a minor scare. We’ve broken out the alcohol.
6:32 PM: With 1% of votes in, Trump is still leading nationally. We’re torn as to how to feel right now.
6:37 PM: Trump is ahead 24 to 3 in electoral votes. Trump has sued Nevada for early voting elongations. In other news, we are preparing spray tans and blonde wigs to assimilate.
6:49 PM: Hillary: “If I win this election, I’m going to Disney World!”
6:52 PM: Would you rather be a reporter at the Clinton rally or the Trump rally?
6:53 PM: In a shocking turn of events, Trump has won West Virginia.
6:55 PM: We don’t want to say anything for fear of jinxing it.
6:59 PM: TBH we’re still figuring out how the electoral college works. At the same time, we’re pretty stoked to see districts where our friends are voting for our favorite candidates.
7:00 PM: We’re pretty stoked to see Wolf Blitzer up on CNN. Most of the polls on the East Coast have closed.
7:01 PM: The photo they chose for Hillary is in a feminine pink suit but a dead-in-the-eyes pose.
7:05 PM: Shockingly, Tennessee has been won by Trump.
7:06 PM: We’re a little concerned by the amount of third party candidate votes, but like, okay.
7:09 PM: You go, Marco Rubio. Four for you Marco Rubio.
7:10 PM: Current score is 44 to 31.
7:13 PM: We’re having flashbacks to the Brexit vote.
7:19 PM: U.S. President – Coffee Company??????
7:20 PM: Florida is tied?????
7:23 PM: NBC takes an orange slice break.
7:26 PM: Who is this image of a woman running away with a bag of money?
7:28 PM: Slant TV would like to formally applaud Jill Stein for getting 1% of the vote. We’re proud of you, our little patch of grass.
7:30 PM: We miss the days of bipartisanship, if they ever existed.
7:32 PM: We say “Bye, Partisanship” and “Hello, Functional Government.” Or at least, we wish we did.
7:34 PM: Lester Holt, you weren’t a great moderator, but we still love you.
7:35 PM: 91% in for Florida, and Trump is a little ahead.
7:39 PM: Trump aides add Florida 3rd party voters to list of people he’ll forget to thank.
7:44 PM: “Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become” – “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence.
7:45 PM: Canada having its own vote over whether or not to accept impending 60 million U. S. Refugees after Trump wins.
7:46 PM: Jousting competitions will be required in order to win battleground states. Campaign aides may have to be sacrificed.
7:47 PM: “Make America Trump Country” to become new campaign slogan for 2020 election.
7:50 PM: “Chief Wrangler of Cats” to become new elected position on 2018 ballot.
7:53 PM: Man in white shirt with blue trim tries to back up to talk to NBC reporter at Democracy plaza. We have spotted the new Ken Bone.
7:54 PM: NBC’s Jo Ling Kent just found the new Ken Bone.
7:58 PM: We love a good watch party.
8:00 PM: Polls have closed in 14 more states, but we’re still wondering who chose the picture for Clinton.
8:01 PM: Current vote is 137 to 104 according to NBC, and a cry was heard around the room.
8:03 PM: Hawaii pretty excited to share its opinion.
8:04 PM: Will the real slim lead please stand up?
8:10 PM: Texas goes red by only 3%; resident not sure whether or not to be proud.
8:14 PM: Ohio is still Up in the Air; George Clooney slated to appear soon.
8:16 PM: How is Nick Kroll in a dramatic movie? This is completely unrelated to the election, but we’re still curious.
8:18 PM: “There’s a Reason they Call them Battleground States” aka the longest title for any segment ever.
8:21 PM: Fitness equipment commercial juxtaposed with Trump winning Nebraska, and we’re wondering what it means.
8:22 PM: Nation reels in horror, “Maybe we were too hard on PC culture after all?”
8:25 PM: During a local news break, we are watching the end of many made-for-TV movies of potentially historical local election candidates.
8:30 PM: Does Clinton have a “Make America Great Again” hat locked up in a drawer somewhere?
8:33 PM: Florida may be closer than that dude at the last frat party you attended.
8:35 PM: We’re really just holding out hope for a better 2020 election at this point.
8:37 PM: We might have thought too soon about North Carolina.
8:39 PM: A clear educated/uneducated divide is rapidly appearing through this election.
8:40 PM: There is a situation in Nebraska, according to NBC, probably for the first time ever.
8:42 PM: What would happen if we just blacked out right now and woke up with the election over? Asking for a friend.
8:48 PM: Is Michael Moore the new Nostradamus?
8:49 PM: “I pledge allegiance to thee, Brexit State, under God, one and indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”
8:51 PM: This is the least funny election we’ve ever seen.
8:52 PM: “Krav #MAGA” – @IvankaTrump
8:53 PM: Florida literally biting its nails. 60% of them are acrylic.
8:55 PM: The Florida Keys slowly drift into the ocean. Michigan also matters more now than it ever has. Why is it the penis state and the mitten state that are swinging?
9:02 PM: NBC calls Michigan on the phone. “What the fuck, man?”
9:03 PM: The alcohol has begun to set in, as has the panic.
9:03 PM: If Mississippi stole Missouri’s New Jersey, what would Delaware?
9:03 PM: Clinton supporters in Tennessee appear to be as rare as a Tazmanian Devil.
9:03 PM: With predictions of New Mexico coming in, we wonder how many votes are coming from resident aliens in Roswell.
9:05 PM: We’ve taken a room poll, and there’s only one person who’s undecided. They’re split down the middle.
9:06 PM: “We’re not doing as badly with the group of people that we called rapists and criminals as we expected.” – Trump campaign
9:09 PM: NBC looking at Michigan. Michigan wondering if it has a shot at asking NBC on a date.
9:10 PM: Michigan to soon become the Manic Pixie Swing State.
9:11 PM: Apparently the United States got plastic surgery recently? It looks pretty natural.
9:12 PM: If even Glenn Beck thought it was going to be closer, we have a problem.
9:13 PM: Glenn Beck is still as heinous as the first day we met him. Even Glenn Beck doesn’t want anything to do with this. Additionally, he has graduated to using words like “pontificated.”
9:19 PM: We don’t even know what to do tbh.
9:21 PM: Midwest kind is not so kind after all. No one has ever felt so strongly about the Midwest before.
9:37 PM: Debating how long we wait to start drinking again.
9:42 PM: Trump won Ohio, and it’s probably the first time since 2012 that Ohio has actually mattered.
9:49 PM: We’re now placing bets on a PCC email after the election results. Chances are 80% if Trump wins and 40% if Clinton wins.
9:54 PM: Currently planning the plot and cast of the movie that’ll made about this election in 20 years. We predict Mia Wasikowska for Hillary Clinton and a potato for Donald Trump.
10:01 PM: Women reportedly voting for Trump because “He tells it like it is.” Resident women in The Slant curious what these women think of the rates at which Trump has lied in presidential debates in addition to comments on women’s bodies.
10:09 PM: Is the early darkness now symbolic?
10:14 PM: This is an unbelievable election.
10:19 PM: Every American who made fun of the Brexit is now taking back every word they ever said.
10:32 PM: We’re pretty spooked here.
10:33 PM: Florida has officially gone to Trump.
10:36 PM: “This is the greatest victory in America since Andrew Jackson.” Giuliani appears to ignore the occurrence of the Trail of Tears and the collapse of the American banking system.
10:41 PM: When people are comparing Trump to a pill that only works 10% of the time, we wonder about how people take on their medical bills.
10:49 PM: America pretty unsure how to feel right now.
10:50 PM: We’re beginning to brainstorm contingency plans.
10:53 PM: Even Paul Ryan’s looking good right now, and we’re really hoping for anyone other than one particular candidate.
10:59 PM: oh God.
11:01 PM: The only thing sustaining us right now is the fact that the United States government is politically ineffective as an institution.
11:02 PM: Electoral college ranks last in student ability according to U.S. News report.
11:12 PM: Will Trump be the first “Middle Finger” to be elected president?
11:14 PM: Slant staff becomes worried they’ll be arrested for anti-Trump liveblog comments. 75% of the staff no longer sees red as their favorite color.
11:15 PM: Bottle of Jergens tanning lotion may voted in as United States president.
11:26 PM: Do we go to sleep or pray for the sweet release of unconsciousness?
11:28 PM: We wonder what it says about a candidate if a voter is not willing to voice their support for them.
11:35 PM: Clinton voters beginning the five stages of grief.
11:43 PM: Clinton begins practicing her faces for the results of the election.
11:45 PM: Another Greenday album is fast approaching.
12:00 AM: We’ve hit November 9, and 7 states are still too close to call.
12:10 AM: Sleep deprivation and an election hangover is hitting us hard.
12:14 AM: Rapidly Googling “How to Stay Friends With People Who Voted Differently Than You in the 2016 Election.”
12:16 AM: People are dreaming of a Mitt Romney presidency.
12:23 AM: We may be calling it for the night to rise again in the morning.
12:29 AM: The glass ceiling might be maintained by the blue wall.
