In a small suburb in Connecticut, Dom Asbriks has just finished watching a Trump rally with tears in his eyes. He proceeds to click on a Hillary rally, his cheeks flushed with excitement. Dom’s home is cluttered with signs from both sides littering every countertop. Upon entering, he winked at a 10 ft poster of what we at The Slant believe to be some sort of moldy orange. He subsequently blew a kiss to a statue of an aggressively poised pantsuit statue.

“My passion for both candidates bursts from my chest like rainbows on a drizzly day,” he said. “I love them both so much that I wish I could vote for both!  Election day will be a bittersweet for sure because BOTH can’t win.”  

Hopping to a whiteboard, he showed us a pros and cons list he drafted of each candidate. Exclusive coverage of this pros and cons board is brought to you by The Slant:

Donald Trump:

Pros:

The best hair

Will Make America Great again

Thinks jobs are good

No one is more respectful to women than he is

Knows more than the generals about ISIS

Will carry us on his broad shoulders

If he can get out of three marriages, he can get out of trade deals

Could pull off a Mohawk

Like Kim Jong Un, has no butthole, converts all food into energy

Cons:

Sex Appeal

Hillary Clinton:

Pros:

Seems to have done similar things before

Has plan

Has granddaughter (this seems important)

Pantsuits on fleek

Appeals to millennials

Reminds me of Aunt Sally except less bald, less racist, and slightly less dead

Pretty much figured out that newfangled electronic mail

Laughs are less creepy than tickle me Elmo

Seems like someone who color-codes sh*t

Cons:

Sex Appeal

A friend of the family spoke to us about Dom’s passion. “Honestly, most of us are confused. Dom reminds me of the illegitimate spawn of a water dog with a fire cat.”  

Dom was brutally mocked at work one day for wearing a Donald Trump shirt. The next day he wore a “Feminists for Hillary Shirt” and everyone calmed down. The following day he wore two “Nasty woman” buttons, but one was ironic and the other was not. Then he wore a “Trump that B**ch” hat, a “Love Trumps Hate” shirt, “Dump Trump” underpants, and “Lock Her Up” pajamas.  A “Stronger Together” double nipple ring was the final touch.   

“It’s just so hard to choose the greater of two greats,” said Dom. A stellar businessman with no flaws, versus a capable gritty woman with no scandals.  How did we get so lucky?” Unfortunately his enthusiasm isn’t shared by his family. His wife and children moved out last week due to perpetual vomiting that some speculate is related to his political impasse. At least one person will be happy on November 8th.