Donald Trump Forced to Remarry after Melania’s Immigration Status Proved Illegitimate
Washington D.C. – In a statement released on Thursday by the Trump campaign, it was announced that Donald Trump will be divorcing potential First Lady Melania Trump due to questions about her legal immigration status. Determined not to lose any time with an already hard-pressed campaign schedule, Mr. Trump remarried this past Friday to 32 year-old actress Paz de la Huerta.
“I follow the law the way it’s supposed to be. […] I applied for a visa. I went by the system. I went by the law,” Melania Trump tweeted after the Immigration and Citizenship Enforcement Agency confirmed that her citizenship status is invalid by legal standards. Doubts arose regarding Melania’s immigration status on Wednesday after anonymous media reports re-published a photoshoot of Melania in New York in 1995. According to her legal documentation, Mrs. Trump did not arrive to the United States until 1996. When asked to provide proof of compliance with US legal immigration process 666, Melania was quick to release a student visa obtained in 1995 for study at the University of Northern New Jersey and a corresponding certificate of graduation with a bachelor’s degree in erotology. Both documents were invalidated that same day by ICE Deputy Director Daniel Ragsdale’s 10-year-old son, Richard. Melania was deported hours later and a divorce hearing has yet to be scheduled. Mr. Trump was obviously devastated by this news, but he also acknowledged the importance of the law. When asked if the deportation of his wife would influence his political standing on immigration, Trump was advised not to comment; however, he issued this statement minutes later:
“My marriage, it seemed, was the only area of my life in which I was willing to accept something less than perfection… The wall I’m building just got ten feet higher [because of her.]”
In an unexpected turn of events, Donald Trump was remarried the following day to Paz de la Huerta, the American actress and daughter of a Spanish-born immigrant father. The wedding was held at Trump’s new D.C. hotel with several hundred guests in attendance. Among the distinguished guests were Russian president Vladimir Putin, 2016 presidential primary candidate Ted Cruz, and Beyoncé, who performed live at the reception. After the reception, Donald was said to be in a great mood, taking pictures with his guests and handing out Make America Great Again hats.
“I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which in theory I am,” Trump said.
Trump was very open with reporters after the wedding, stopping several times to answer questions on his way up to his penthouse suite. Insistent on his plan to take his mind off politics for at least one night, Donald focused his responses to questions concerning the wedding rather than political issues. Asked to describe his favorite part of the reception, Mr. Trump answered:
“When Beyoncé was thrusting her hips forward in a very suggestive manner.”
Most guests found the wedding to be a beautiful success but others were suspicious of the spontaneous event. Huffington Post’s Marina Fang, who was also in attendance, commented that the event was “an awkward start to what could become a rocky marriage.”
Besides the uncomfortable atmosphere, other critics saw the wedding as a political move rather than a romantic one. Many democratic theorists believe the marriage was just another mechanism to win the Hispanic vote in the upcoming election. Rumor has it that the newlyweds had only met a couple of times and there was no public knowledge of a prior relationship between the two. When asked what she saw in her new husband, Paz responded, “I love being in front of the camera.”
Trump, however, would not let this criticism ruin the night. “I love Hispanics,” he remarked. “I love everyone.” No matter what the motive, polls are showing that the wedding has already contributed substantially to the Trump Campaign. De la Huerta’s Latina roots have bridged a wide gap between the Hispanic voter and Donald Trump, resulting in a 3 point uptick in the percentage of Latino voters who say they will vote for Trump come November. Voter trust in Trump has also risen across all demographics. According to sources, the fourth marriage is certain proof that Donald Trump does indeed love everyone.
