Game of Thrones Review Season 6 Episode 9 and 10
After six seasons of getting blue balled, winter has finally “cum”. Johnbubba Snowtatas and Sansa smile a little, but honestly this was a ball-breakingly poor way to do this. There is only one way to truly announce that winter is here: an army of white walkers with their little zombie minions tearing down the wall. That’s like a documentary on the Berlin wall that spends three hours building up the conflict and attempts towards peace but ends with two officials giving each other a really cheesy “peace high five”. Thankfully, the CGI budget was fully utilized. Oh baby, it was used.
GoT has fire, horses, scenery, politics, sex, death, and all sorts of badassery. We got something extra in the epic closing of season 6: cooking. Welcome to the Cooking Edition of Westeros. And believe me when I tell you, “Daddy is going to take you to flavor town”. But because this is Westeros, “Daddy will subsequently murder some people, have an incestual affair, and get murdered”.
Recipe 1: Tully Pie
Difficulty : Advanced
Time to complete: 3-4 years
Serves: 1 old bastard who really needs to die
1. Travel to a far off land.
2. Get trained by face stealers.
3. Steal some faces.
4. Put on face.
5. Murder the sons of your mortal enemy for their meat.
6. Cook on medium for 1 ½ hours, use vegetable oil to cut down on cholesterol.
7. Add carrots.
8. Serve cold, just like your revenge.
Recipe 2: Cersei’s Sizzling Stroganoff (This will blow your mind)
Difficulty: Advanced +
Time to complete: 3 days
Serves: The Queen’s Ambition
The ingredients include: Lots and lots of people that you either hate or are completely ambivalent about and (1) cathedral.
Assemble an evil squad with (1) zombie, (1) mad doctor, and (1) power hungry queen mother.
Assemble the people in a cathedral and lather on religious fanaticism and political intrigue.
Play some awesome music.
Set the heat on really, really high. No butter necessary.
Sit on the iron throne and await your demise from the sea and the north.
It’s a really bitter dish, so kids REALLY don’t like it.
This concludes the GoT cooking show. Tune in next time for fresh meat, undead meat, dragon meat, and meat that’s really, really cold.
More importantly, WE SEE SAM!!! I know you all were as blown away as I was when he WENT TO A LIBRARY! My heart was beating so fast and my palms were sweating when I saw what was in that library. Man oh man. BOOKS GALORE! With little chains on them making them SPECIAL BOOKS! What an interesting development!
I’m going to make a prediction about Sam. He has a white-walker killing sword. He’s fat and an unlikely hero. He is Neville from Harry Potter. He’s going to use that sword, just as Neville did, to kill the Night King. After Game of Thrones is over he’s going to lose a lot of weight and become a male model with a juicy six pack, marry Jennifer Lawrence, dump her, then lose everything. Spoiler alert.
The Battle of the Bastards was incredible. Indubitably, Johnboi Targaryantits made some errors, led his men into a trap, and fought like a madman. It was straight up blockbuster movie quality. While I didn’t understand why the giant didn’t uproot a tree and smash the entire shield-wall, I loved every bloody second. It’s rare in television to be presented a punchable face, and then watch someone punch it over and over in the most satisfying way. We’ve seen poison, stabbing, ball smashing, and decapitation. But nothing beats a good ole face punching. People would pay a lot to see Ted Cruz box; I promise you.
Is warp speed possible in Game of Thrones? Varys moves from Meereen to Dorne (is Dorne even a thing?) to Dany’s fleet in ONE EPISODE. I have a theory about his insane speed: his bald head. The aerodynamics of his sleek hairless skull gives him superhuman speed. It’s the only thing that makes sense. But now Daenarys, the Dothrakhi horde, Dorne, Tyrion, and Varys, and three dragons are on their way. Let the battle of the Iron Throne begin. Let winter come. And as always, let there be boobs, for the Great Game isn’t great without em.
