Kasich Suspends Campaign After Realizing He Is Still Running for President


On Wednesday afternoon, a groggy John Kasich suspended his presidential campaign after waking up from a deep sleep and realizing that he was still in the running for the Republican nomination.

“I had this crazy dream that despite only having 153 of the needed 1,237 delegates, I was still charging ahead on the campaign trail,” Kasich said in a statement. “It was only when I saw the twenty unopened boxes of ‘Kasich for Indiana’ buttons in the corner of my room that I realized it wasn’t a dream.”

The Ohio Governor’s Campaign Manager Beth Hansen said that the news of his ongoing pursuit of the presidency came as a complete shock to Kasich.

“He started pacing and asking why nobody bothered to tell him we were still fundraising. While the staff was surprised he didn’t know, we were prepared with a box of tissues and a month-old concession speech.”

After the initial whirlwind of realizing his current state, Kasich was finally able to collect himself after making the announcement.

“I’m still a bit rattled, but at least it was this dream that ended up being real and not the nightmare I had about Trump winning the nomination. Now that would be terrifying.”

  • May 4, 2016