Recently, The Hustler posted an article showcasing the pets of their staff writers. While The Slant is not a political paper and traditionally does not take a side, our entire staff agrees that every single one of these creatures should be the first in line to be euthanized. Their pets can stay, though.
In the spirit of being better than The Hustler, The Slant has decided to publish our own article featuring our staff pets. Please don’t call the Humane Society. We blew through our legal fee budget in September.
1) Rotisserie Chicken
We found him abandoned in a Walmart in middle Tennessee. He doesn’t say or do much, but we love him regardless. He’s beginning to smell a little weird, but we haven’t tried to give him a bath yet. Hopefully he opens up a bit as he learns to adjust to his new forever home.
2) A Fancy British Lobster
Did you know that lobsters are immortal? We did, which is why we named ours for the 99 year old Prince Philip of the British Royal Family who, much like a lobster, is crusty as fuck but doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.
UPDATE: The Slant has been informed of the unfortunate death of Prince Philip on April 9th, 2021. We have hereby renamed our Lobster Julie Andrews. Fingers crossed with that one.
3) Kyle Kowalski
Kyle is a beloved member of our staff, but he hasn’t been to a meeting since November. We put up “Lost Kyle” signs around campus and even offered a $3 cash reward for finding him dead or alive. If anyone knows of his whereabouts, please let us know. We are getting worried.
4) A decomposing Webkinz from 2007
We tried to log into our account again after all these years, but turns out we got banned from Webkinz after trying to prostitute this rooster to Archie from the Curio Shop in exchange for rare gems. Even at age seven, we lacked morality. Glad to see nothing has changed.
5) Pet Rock
Our pet rock, Rocco, is The Slant’s tax-deductible charity case as our staff tries to rehabilitate him from a brief foray down the alt-Right pipeline. After finding him hobbling around campus mistakenly trying to own the social justice mob with FACTS and LOGIC, Rocco’s slowly becoming a functioning member of civil society. Unfortunately, we haven’t gotten him to stop saying slurs, but nobody’s perfect.
6) Raccy, our Taxidermied Racoon
You may remember him from our Pledge Class of 2021. He was dearly beloved, but unfortunately met a tragic end in March when he drank a Natty he found in the Sig Chi dumpster that ended up being too much for his little digestive system to process. There also appeared to be traces of rotisserie chicken in his toxicology report, but it’s probably coincidental. Wait has anyone seen our chicken recently? Can someone check on her?
To honor Raccy, we took him to a taxidermist to have him immortalized. That turned out to be expensive, though, so we ended up just taking him to Build-A-Bear. We had to pay a small corkage fee, but it was certainly worth it.