Nashville, TN—A groundbreaking discovery has been made in Vanderbilt’s Department of Psychology, under Dr. Perverk’s lab in the basement of Wilson Hall. Perverk and his team aim to study the success of mating rituals that lead to thriving and healthy relationships. In the past, laws of attraction were governed by one’s ability to carry many barrels of hay or catch fish with bare hands, but in modern times, techniques are more sophisticated and communicative. Suitors now playfully whistle and offer affirming phrases like, “Hey beautiful” or “Nice ass momma!”
Critics have accused catcalling of being offensive and violating; however, the results of Peverck’s study have completely falsified these claims. The data showed that a mere under-the-breath mention of fine titties or nonchalant kissy noises increased the chances of meeting one’s soulmate by 137%, a method far more effective than starting a conversation or asking for a phone number. His study included a randomized trial of twelve brothers of several on campus fraternities (all tiers) and eight European men (five who wore murses* regularly and three who did not) as test subjects. Out of the 20 test subjects, 82% of the men got the phone numbers of the women they heckled and 78% women reciprocated unwanted sexual advances. The rest of the women were diagnosed as clinically uptight.
Several of the women who interacted with Peverk’s test subjects were interviewed after the study was published. While some were reluctant to admit how much they enjoyed the attention of being catcalled, others eagerly offered their opinions on the life-changing effects of these unsolicited comments on their self-confidence; “As a woman, I am weak and insecure. One holler from these nice men helped me regain my self-worth,” said Stephanie Birdhouse. Despite these accounts, critics are adamant about the elimination of street harassment. They argue that catcallers play an active role in the objectification of women and that abatement of the act would be a powerful step toward gender equality. Still, researchers like Perverk remain confident in their scientific data.
When asked if catcalling posed any problem to feminism and body image, Perverk rolled his eyes and said, “In my experience as a renowned scientist and fatally attractive guy, I’d say women need, for lack of a better term, to man up. Ladies, don’t run away from the science because it’s all there in my pie charts: catcalling is fun for everyone. Take it as a compliment or laugh it off. It’s not that difficult, I went to Yale.”
*murse, or man purse, is a fashion staple in every Euroman’s wardrobe. It can hold numerous items such as wallet, phone, frail ego, and other related items