Reasons I Don’t Throw Out My Garbage

1.  My mom told me not to stress too much this school year, and this trash is definitely stressing me out. I just can’t deal with it right now. Class, work, activities… trash? I don’t think so.

2. The maintenance request I put in two weeks ago for my squeaky bed frame got ignored. What do I owe this university? They expect me to throw out my garbage and I can’t even binge watch Narcos in peace?

3. Throwing out trash is futile, thanks to the alarming climate change figures. What difference does my trash make? I might as well just leave it lying around –  it doesn’t change the fact that a superstorm will kill us all in 50 years.

4. The chances are way too high I run into Ashley from my third night at Piranha’s. I just can’t take that risk. I mean sure, we never exchanged names, and sure, I had to look her up the next day. Did she leave my bed before saying goodbye? Definitely. But I feel like I still love her, you know? And I can’t take the the risk of seeing her on the way to the dumpster.

5. Trash is a cyclical process. Make trash, put in bag, throw bag out. Why not just cut out one of those steps? Namely, the one that makes me move. The Freshmen 15 is a myth, but the Sophomore 20 is real. It’s socially acceptable to not throw out your trash due to laziness, and so are the 27 empty pizza bagel boxes filling it.

6. If I knew where the dumpsters were, maybe I would go. What is “Greek Row” and where are the dumpsters behind it? I’m a financial communications major, not a classics student.

7. Trash disposal, ultimately, is not part of my “5 year plan.” I just don’t think my therapist Gregory would be happy to hear that I was “venturing off my path to true happiness.”

8. It’s impossible to make trash eating a diet that consists solely of non-GMO organic vegetables sourced within 3 miles of my dorm room.

9. I took it out last time, my roommate can take it out this time.