Help! I Went to Student Health for Crabs and They Prescribed Me Tartar Sauce
Last week I woke up next to a frat guy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for AGL, but he was super hot (a Vandy nine, so an actual four). You can call me a hypocrite or whatever, but it was worth it—until I started feeling a little tickly down there. Nothing was harder than sitting in my one in-person class of the week trying not to scratch the fuck out of my cooter, so I just started rubbing my legs together hoping that would do the trick. My TA told me that this made it look like I was trying to hit that sweet spot in my jean crotch—yikes. Anyways, I decided to say screw it and go to Student Health even though I could risk catching coronavirus there (as if I didn’t already risk it on Broadway the past six weekends). Long story short, I have crabs. And they prescribed me fucking tartar sauce. Due to the horrific treatment plan I received, I thought I’d make a chart of all the times Student Health has failed me. So here you go, I guess:
| What I went in for | What student health prescribed me |
| UTI | One cranberry-vodka every four hours |
| Mood swings | Stop talking to Republican men |
| WAP | Bisexuality |
| Large mole on my back | They brought in the receptionist with acrylic nails and had her scratch it off |
| Uncontrollable vomiting | Shotgun a Natty and then pull trig instead |
| Ingrown toenail | A list of Instagram handles that will pay for feet pics |
| Fishy-smelling discharge | Told me to stop hitting on men working at the Whole Foods fish counter |
| Chronic cough | Pack of mango juul pods because maybe I was allergic to the menthol flavor |
| Mono | Limited me to kissing only one boy per time I go out |
| Unexplainable weight gain | Deactivated my meal plan at all dining halls except Grins |
