Cleopatra’s Tomb Discovered in Branscomb Basement
By Ruhi Slatel
Cleopatra’s tomb was finally found in the Branscomb Quadrangle basement after being missing for nearly two millennia. In classic Branscomb fashion, the entire tomb was hidden away behind a comically large stack of empty Twisted Tea cans, all held together by the hard work of a very ambitious spider. Cleopatra herself was found mummified within the tomb and cozied up next to several dust bunnies; queens need snuggle buddies too!
Sophomore Anne Shunt stumbled upon the tomb in a drunken stupor at 2 am. Curiously enough, Shunt did not recall finding the remains until she checked her camera roll the next morning. In an interview with The Slant, she revealed, “I had just returned from a pyramid-themed frat party and thought this girl just had a REALLY good costume. So, like obviously, I took a selfie with her.” The next morning, Shunt debriefed the previous night’s events over Rand breakfast and, to her surprise, saw she photographed an ancient Egyptian queen.
Shunt promptly contacted her dashing archaeology professor, Indiana Jones, who rushed over to Branscomb, his whip and satchel in tow. After several hours of lightly dusting the tomb with his handy-dandy foundation brush, Jones identified the remains as those of the famous Cleopatra. While Jones aided in the unearthing of the tomb, Anne Shunt remains the official discoverer, fulfilling Cleopatra’s wish that her remains not be found by a man.
However, some scholars are curious about the location of Marc Antony’s remains, who was Cleopatra’s side piece and was said to have been buried next to her. When asked for his professional opinion, Jones declared, “Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?” It seems Jones has been poisoned by Cleopatra’s smelly breath as a result of her not brushing her teeth for 2000 years. Alternatively, Shunt responded more coherently to the Marc Antony query, stating, “I once dated a guy named Marc, and he was a weirdo because his name should obviously have been spelled ‘Mark.’ I’m glad our queen isn’t buried next to him.” To continue the search for Antony’s tomb, experts are shifting their focus to the Stevenson tunnels.
Vanderbilt University is considering adding new courses in honor of this great discovery, including HOD 2320: Pyramid Schemes, HART 8700: Heiroglyphs and PSCI 6550: War. Shunt, an HOD major, cannot wait to learn about pyramid schemes and is curious about what other treasures lie in the Branscomb basement. She hopes to find “socks that got lost in the laundry, the Holy Grail, and some cutie vintage jackets.”
Although it was once considered to be an impossibility, this new evidence irrefutably demonstrates that Egyptian trade routes extended much further than previously thought. Some scholars, including local food critics, argue that Cleopatra got tired of being fed grapes and just really wanted to fuck up some Nashville hot chicken.
