Kappa Alpha Beta Philanthropy Donates Dozens of iPads to Toddlers in Need
By Sam Belcher
*Disclaimer: The story, all names, characters and incidents portrayed in this article are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings and products is intended or should be inferred.
*Unrelated: cats have always been my favorite animals
From climate change to the opioid crisis, there are countless issues that plague our country. Thankfully, the sisters of Kappa Alpha Beta banded together to take one of them head on: the lack of iPads for our nation’s youth. Specifically, Kappa Alpha Beta believes that all toddlers (no matter their race, gender, socioeconomic class etc.) have a God-given right to scream at a screen and squander their parent’s income by buying new levels on Cut the Rope.
This isn’t the first time that the sorority has tackled serious issues. Quite the contrary. The ethnically diverse sisters of Kappa Alpha Beta have a long history of social activism through their philanthropy efforts. Only a few years ago, they started a campaign to expand free speech by saying slurs that blonde people typically can’t use.
To raise the funds to give every American toddler this digital pacifier, members of the sorority set up a donation drive last Saturday to raise money and collect spare iPads from the Vanderbilt community. However, after realizing that helping people is kinda boring and the combined net worth of the sorority is larger than the GDP of many tiny Pacific nations, the sisters just decided to donate their old iPads so their parents could buy them new ones.
“At the end of the day, we’re doing this for the toddlers, yes, but also for the parents of these little kids,” philanthropy chair Anne Ufwelfare told The Slant. “Not everyone is blessed enough to have generational oil money to afford a nanny like my family. So, it’s awesome to give upper-middle class parents who never really wanted children the opportunity to ignore their kids as well.”
A handful of local toddlers were given the opportunity to test out their new gadgets at the Kappa Alpha Beta house following the abridged donation drive. While covering the story, I had the pleasure of personally witnessing them frying their attention spans in real time and losing empathy for others as they fell down the alt-right pipeline on Instagram Reels. It just goes to show that sorority philanthropy events can bring about real change in our community, and those with excessive resources can always be counted on to give back and make a difference.
