What I’m Actually Thankful For

By Jeff Malarky

Like most people, I look forward to Thanksgiving. Time away from school, dry turkey and a chance to interact with racist family members I haven’t seen since last Thanksgiving —what’s not to love? Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t love: how we all go around and say what we’re thankful for. It’s all fake. I know for a fact my uncle isn’t thankful for “family.” People thankful for their family don’t show up to see their son’s fifth grade class’s performance of Willy Wonka eight shots deep and try to steal an Oompa Loompa. Yeah, I’ll cut the bullshit narrative and tell you what I’m actually grateful for. 

My Trust Fund

Yea. I’m a trust fund kid. Get over it. I’m grateful that I don’t need to worry about paying for college or finding an internship. It frees me up to other valuable things, like traveling the world or participating in the continued exploitation of the working class. If you want to spend 20 years “hustling” just to get to where I started, enjoy. That financial freedom will really be great when you’re 45 with two kids and lower back pain.

The Jury that found me not guilty for my DUI and Reckless Endangerment Charge

This was a tough one. I didn’t really mean for it to happen, but sometimes the liquor gets the best of me. So I hopped behind the wheel of my G-Wagon and went to the McDonalds drive-thru. Except instead of the normal drive-thru, I drove through the front window. But luckily, the jury liked me. It must have been my humble nature and charming smile. I guess they just related to my plight. Either way, 50 hours of community service is a steal. I’ve been teaching health to fifth graders at a local elementary school. Last week, I taught a lesson on which smoke shops don’t ID, that way they know to avoid them. 

Girls

Shoutout to every female I’ve talked to for not paying me any attention. It’s given me the time to focus on myself. Who wants a meaningful relationship full of love and support anyway?

Jordan Belford

Everybody needs a role model. I’m grateful to have somebody I can look up to in Jordan. He showed me the lifestyle that I will one day attain, and that motivates me every day. Plus, I’m pretty sure half the money in my trust fund is a direct result of his entrepreneurial endeavors on my family’s behalf. 

My Younger Brother Ethan

I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, the whole McDonalds car thing being one of them. But every time I do something bad, I take solace in knowing that I’ll never be as much of a disappointment as Ethan and for that, I’m grateful. You know he wants to be a musician when he grows up? And not even a cool instrument. He plays the violin. What a fucking loser. Thank God I’m not like that. 

My Fraternity Pledge Master

I think everybody should have to go through pledging. It really helped me grow into the person I am today. What screams brotherhood better than being somebody who is a year older than you’s bitch for a semester? Or proving your loyalty to the frat by drinking your pledge brother’s urine? It builds character and I’m grateful I had the opportunity. 

The Slant

I’m grateful that there are still news publications out there that will print absolute bullshit that contributes nothing to society. If they didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this wonderful article. So maybe you should add them to the list of things you’re grateful for too.