OPINION: The Scomb Swing Set Should Be Returned to the Hell it Came From

By Stephanie Hicks

Dear Scomb Swingers, 

There is nothing I hate more than settling into my twin XL and hearing the sinful squeaks from that god forsaken swing set and the squeals from the annoying idiots swinging on it. It cannot be that fun. Genuinely. Last time I checked, playing on playground equipment is NOT part of the Elementary Education curriculum. This isn’t recess, it is one in the morning, and I KNOW you have a word search due at 11:59. Please find a hobby.

Does the Princeton Review really think that we have the happiest students because of a medieval swing set? If that’s the only thing making you happy please book a UCC appointment. And don’t you DARE try to pass the time waiting on the centuries long waitlist by swinging on the swing set. If I hear it squeak one more time I’ll go out there and put you out of your misery by myself. You’re not in a movie, this isn’t your coming of age moment. He’s not going to text you back. Give up.

Consider this letter as a warning. If you do not stop swinging, I will go out there with my buddy Jeremy from Plant Operations and we WILL set fire to it. Hopefully, seeing the ashes from the flimsy, rubber swing seat and the charred metal will be a wake up call for you. And no, I won’t be sharing my marshmallows. 

If your great-great-grandfather donated the swing or it has some sort of “value” to you, please respond to this letter and tape your response to the bulletin board in the Sclobby. It obviously means something to you if you chose to spend $0.06 on printing it out and an additional $2 to buy some tape. 

Although I will not read your stupid letter, I urge you to spend your money wisely and purchase some WD-40 to grease up those irritatingly squeaky hinges unless you want to bail Jeremy and I out of jail. Also, while you’re greasing the hinges, consider joining an organization or calling your mom back.  

Worst Regards, 

Stephanie